“You want me to pee – in that??”

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A funny blog post from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas about providing a sample or the DRWent to doctors. After the initial chit-chat he told me I needed to provide a wee sample, so handed me the tiniest pot he could find and directed me to the toilets. The ‘bottle’ you’re expected to pee in is clearly some kind of joke, which no doubt provided hours of entertainment for the man that designed it.  Left my coat and bag in the doctor’s room and trotted off.

Whenever I’ve had to do a sample at home I’ve used a 2 pint jug wedged into the toilet bowl. No chance of missing anything with that – which is handy when you’re pregnant as you can’t even see the toilet once you’ve sat on it, never mind a jug installed beneath you. No, I’m not pregnant. I’m just reminiscing about the good times…

Anyway, got myself settled, looked down at the miniscule receptacle he’d given me to catch said sample, and realised I’d got my distance glasses on – which meant any chance of aiming correctly had just flown out the window. Everything from my waist down was an undistinguishable blur. And where were my close-up glasses? In my bag. And where was my bag? In the doctor’s room. So, what should’ve been a moderately difficult collection exercise, now became an extremely difficult collection exercise: wee with no sense of direction, tiny container and blind as a bat. Great.

Only way I could tell if I’d caught any of the wee was by literally listening for the sound of it hitting the pot, as I blindly waved it around between my legs. For some unknown reason I found this hilarious and sat giggling to myself – whilst covering my hand in wee, trying to prevent my useless glasses from falling off my nose, and attempting to at least keep my sleeve dry.

I finished the deed, and was amazed to discover I’d managed to completely fill the bottle! I hurried back to the  doctor, and presented it proudly to him – male doctors have NO IDEA of the enormity of the task they set when presenting us with these ridiculously small sample bottles!

I picked up my bag, opened the surgery door, told him I’d ring in a week for the result and left him staring quizzically at the bottle – clearly wondering how a previously pristine paper label was now smudged, damp and hanging off in shreds…

37 thoughts on ““You want me to pee – in that??””

  2. Ah, that has made me laugh! It is terribly difficult trying to pee in those pots. It’s only been 4 months since I gave birth and until I read this I’d already forgotten just how difficult it is trying to see past your bump (impossible) and trying to extend your arm far enough underneath you to get the pot in what you hope is in the right place, inevitably getting the pot and your hand covered in wee! 😦 Luckily the pot they made me wee into when I was in labour 7cm dilated was bigger!!!
    These men really don’t understand how difficult it is for us! Jugs are definitely the way to go if you have the option 😉

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  3. Ah, my fellow mid-lifer – you always make me smile or, in this instance, laugh – and I say that as a fellow jug user! My best pee moment was a few years ago at the hospital when, due to building works, the pee people had to share a block of cubicles with the sperm samplers – oh boy! Much splashing on one side and grunting on the other ….

    I know, far to much information …!

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      • Brilliant idea – much bigger pots needed although, given the very sorry state of my ageing bladder, not quite sure what size pot would actually be big enough! Then again, maybe, one’s bladder size is in proportion to middle-age knickers – the bigger the knickers (and mine are pretty big ….) the bigger the pot.

        I would, of course, be happy to make the suggestion to my doctor but he looks all of ten and a half so may be a tad embarrassed …

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      • Yes, I’m always rather alarmed when I find I’m being treated by a pre-pubescent child!!

        I’ve given up on big knickers – read my post ‘Knickers to that!’ and you’ll see why…

        Have a great weekend 🙂

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  4. It’s so tricky, it’s practically a circus trick. They should provide a huge funnel!
    As you may have guessed . . . I feel your hilarity. I have to provide a sample every two months at the hospital and I can’t do it at home and take it in. Warms up your hand on a cold day though eh?

    – esme falling about upon the Cloud

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  6. Ha – you must read my post on ‘How to do a Urine Sample’. We have experienced it worldwide with the kid. Totally get this current new dilemma though – the age related long sightedness – jeez that can really make for difficulties. One on the head, one in the bag – spectacles, I mean. They must love the wee stained labels. And boy do we have a jug – oh yes we do. It was part of my travel system. Overseas are far more sensitive to receptacles. Here they just take the p***s. Thanks for sharing again with #TweensTeensBeyond Nicky

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  7. It beggars belief doesn’t it that they are yet to introduce a better system for women for urine samples. I know every time I open your posts I am going to smile and this one didn’t disappoint. Thanks for joining us again. #TweensTeensBeyond

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  10. Hahahahaha! I pee’d on my hand so many times when I was pregnant, it started to feel normal (for collecting samples I hasten to add!). Too right about man designed sample bottles. Yet one more thing we women deal with. With aplomb! #tweensteensbeyond

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