Splashing Around – Part 1

So…swimming. Hmmmm. There’s nothing I like more than a good 30 lengths to start the day – she lied. I go though, because it’s doing me good. I know that, because I’ve been told it is.

Who’d have thought the simple task of swimming a few lengths could be so fraught. But it is, for several reasons…

The Locker

Scenario 1 – Pile everything in, put token in, firmly shut door, walk towards pool and realise I’ve:

a) still got my glasses on

b) still got my watch on

c) still got my flip-flops on

d) still got all three on

Scenario 2 – Pile everything in, put token in, firmly shut door… realise it’s broken as ‘locked’ door swings gaily open again. Token can’t be retrieved. Do I:

a) nip out to reception in bather, scaring all small children en route

b) try to catch eye of unsuspecting attendant – who’ll invariably ignore the middle-aged woman frantically beckoning, shouting ‘coo-ey’ and waving a purse in his direction

Getting Into the Pool

Not as simple as it sounds. Should I:

a) veer towards ‘fast’ lanes conning other swimmers into thinking I’ll be diving in. Then sit on the edge, start to lower myself in, turn around and perform the reverse, ‘ouch I’ve caught my stomach on the edge and scraped my shins’ flop

b) edge my way in down the steps and shiver at the bottom like all other part-timers

Beginning to Swim

Again, not as simple as it sounds. Should I:

a) start to swim at bottom of steps and plough through people who’ve already bagged that spot – hate it when people do that to me. The urge to shout “@&%$ off, I was here first!” is immense

b) loiter around the shallow end giving it some thought – waiting for the perfect gap – hence adhering to correct pool etiquette

c) wade through the gaggle of ladies of a certain age who’ve actually come for the aquaerobics in half an hour – but thought they’d make it a more social event by forming a MASSIVE blockage group in the first 10′ of space at the shallow end, chatting while they wait!

Actually Swimming

Various types of swimmers have to be dodged:

a) lane cloggers – women who swim in pairs OR THREES!!!! and chat. Chat I tell you! If you’re able to chat you’re not swimming hard enough. On occasion I’ve been known to plough right through the middle of them, ruffling the enormous flowers on their frilly caps as I go…

b) elderly gents who accidentally swim too close to have a crafty brush up against you

c) torpedo twats ploughing up and down regardless of anyone else; liable to swim under, over, or into you but NEVER round you

Going to the Toilet Mid-Swim

Ladies…no need to go to the gym to get fit. Just follow these four easy steps:

a) buy a proper thick, sporty swimming costume – as opposed to one that’s clearly meant for just posing on the beach. Those spaghetti straps, sparkly sequins and huge tassels will not withstand ANY kind of serious swimming

b) drag it up your body, squashing your fat into it as you go

c) stand under the shower and get it THOROUGHLY drenched

d) roll it (that’s the only way you’ll move it once it’s wet) down your body and then…try and force it back up again. OH. MY. GOD It is bloody impossible!

Made mistake of doing this at the pool once, as I needed the toilet mid-swim. I absolutely could NOT get it back up again – AT ALL! Nearly had to call for help as I only managed to pull it up onto my arse. Not OVER my arse…ONTO my arse! Thought I was never going to be able to leave the toilet cubicle. After five minutes of struggling I’d managed to stretch the top part up to my boobs – just. I then clamped my arms over them, waddled to where I’d hung my towel, bent down to pick up my toiletries (risky given the situation) lunged into the nearest shower and completely aborted my swim session.

Lost two litres in sweat, enough weight to trough through six cupcakes & three bottles of Prosecco, the desire to ever wear the damn thing again…and my dignity

The Showers

Issues I have with the showers:

a) trying to shampoo my hair then quickly rinse it off before the water stops OR blindly flail around trying to find the on button – frantically slapping my hand against the wall, the pipe, the door (I very quickly become disorientated with my eyes shut) and myself

b) an attached shower is no use for rinsing certain out of reach parts. You have to try and catch a handful of water and swoosh it up under your nether regions – with one leg held aloft (possibly with your foot against the wall) and the other leg trying to keep you upright and balanced on a slippery floor

c) the temperature is either scalding or freezing and can’t be changed – AT ALL

The Hairdryer

Have you EVER lifted anything so heavy in your life?? Bloody hell!! I’ve no need to swim to get rid of my bingo wings – I just need to go to the pool and use their hairdryers!!

Lost count of number of times I’ve nearly:

a) knocked myself out clunking it onto my head

b) sprained my wrist trying to hold it aloft

c) strangled myself with the ridiculously long, curly cable

d) dropped it onto my foot and broken my toe

So there you have it. The simple act of swimming.

Enjoy yourself at the pool!

Do you have any funny pool stories to tell?