My five favourite words of the day:
GYM IS CLOSED FOR REFURBISHMENT
No…that’s not me in the picture. If it was, I wouldn’t have to go to the gym in the first place!
And I certainly wouldn’t be jumping around like that – not unless I wanted to pull every muscle in my body, knacker my knees, put my back out, drop my glasses…and bloody wet myself!
So…swimming. Hmmmm. There’s nothing I like more than a good 30 lengths to start the day – she lied. I go though, because it’s doing me good. I know that, because I’ve been told it is.
Who’d have thought the simple task of swimming a few lengths could be so fraught. But it is, for several reasons…
Scenario 1 – Pile everything in, put token in, firmly shut door, walk towards pool and realise I’ve:
a) still got my glasses on
b) still got my watch on
c) still got my flip-flops on
d) still got all three on
Scenario 2 – Pile everything in, put token in, firmly shut door… realise it’s broken as ‘locked’ door swings gaily open again. Token can’t be retrieved. Do I:
a) nip out to reception in bather, scaring all small children en route
b) try to catch eye of unsuspecting attendant – who’ll invariably ignore the middle-aged woman frantically beckoning, shouting ‘coo-ey’ and waving a purse in his direction Keep on reading!
Just realised I never shared my last session from the acting course with you. So, for a certain friend who loves hearing all about it – this one’s for you 😉
If you’d like a bit of background, read about the first three sessions here:
Acting Course Part 1 – Hello Lovey!
Acting Course Part 2 – Beach! He said BEACH!
Acting Course Part 3 – Acting at Last!
Acting course reached a new low today. Having spent usual first 10 minutes relaxing everything with our eyes shut (except for me; I sit there with one eye open checking how seriously everyone else is taking it), we were told to imagine we were puppets. I’d rather imagine I was Elizabeth Taylor but maybe that’s just me… Keep on reading!
This week we had to imagine finding an object that had been washed up by the sea, onto our beach from last week. Bit difficult for man in a forest and girl in a café; maybe they could find a dead squirrel and a half eaten doughnut.
I imagined a piece of weather-beaten glass – it was as exotic as I was going to get. Obviously we then had to hold it, look at it and sniff it… sniff it? Then we had to pair up and swap objects with each other, and ultimately guess our partner’s object. Absolutely. No. Chance. I guessed hers was a piece of dried cuttle fish (quite pleased with that actually), turned out to be a locket on a chain – of course it did. She guessed mine was a shell; clearly she’d quickly deduced my ability within the imaginary object department .
Next we had to combine the two, link them and come up with a story to show their connection. Finally given something to get my teeth into I went a bit mad.
My Our story involved WWI, adultery, teenage pregnancy and a bit of violence thrown in for good measure. When I explained it to the teacher she looked aghast, and told us to just concentrate on one bit. Spoilsport!
We spent rest of session rehearsing chosen snippet. Thoroughly enjoyed myself shouting at teenage daughter, wailing about the shame she’d brought upon the family and telling her she could take her bastard baby and never darken my doorstep again. With aplomb (and only a smidgen of over acting) I shoved her through my imaginary front door, slammed it shut, re-opened it and threw imaginary locket out after her. Then accidentally stood on an imaginary piece of weather-beaten glass.
Can’t wait to perform it to the class next week!
This week we had to use all five senses to imagine a beach we’d visited. Then we had to describe it to everyone – there are 25 people in the class, it was going to take a while. I kept it simple and said I was at the beach with friends and kids; we’re going up to the kiosk for coffee and muffins, the kids are whining about chips and will then dig massive holes for the rest of the afternoon.
Some people waxed lyrical about beaches they’d clearly seen on the internet. One person described a forest. A forest?? I was desperately waiting for the teacher to say, “Err you’re meant to be on a beach,” but alas no. Similarly when a girl announced she was in a restaurant – and I had an involuntary splutter of laughter – I was glared at. How come? I wasn’t the one in the wrong imaginary place!
We then had to act out our beach. Yes, ‘act out’ our beach. Some people wafted around in floaty dresses, some people rolled up their trousers to paddle, some people dug around in rock pools and some people swam the length of the room – I kid you not.
I sat in my imaginary deck chair drinking my imaginary coffee, added an imaginary tot of brandy when my imaginary kids weren’t looking, ate my imaginary muffin and read my imaginary magazine.
Can’t wait for next week…
When I was 18 I wanted to do a drama degree. Parents told me to do a ‘proper’ degree first, get a job and then think about ‘having a go’ at acting. You can imagine how that panned out…
30 years later I’ve enrolled on a community acting course.
Spent entire hour and a half of first session sitting on plastic chairs in a circle – my coccyx has been complaining ever since. Had to introduce ourselves and repeat everyone’s names, via various activities, for half an hour. Half an hour!
Then we had to relax everything from our toes to the tops of our heads – including our eyeballs. Am I the only one who doesn’t have tense eyeballs? Course leader then made mistake of telling us to close our eyelids over our tense eyeballs; after three minutes I was in danger of nodding off.
Two very annoying people in the group. One has been in a few pantomimes and now thinks he’s Sir Ian McKellen. One wants to change the way we perceive comedy (either it’s funny or it’s not love), and thinks she’s a cross between Germaine Greer and Helen Mirren .
It’s going to be tedious I can tell. I’ll let you know how I get on…
I’m in a choir. We perform in a concert hall. We’re accompanied by an orchestra. It’s all very prestigious. Therefore we have to sing everything by heart.
We’re given a CD of the songs, which I instantly transfer onto my iPod. I then plug myself into this wherever I go – literally. Today I wore it around the supermarket.
Got very odd looks as I sang You’ll Never Walk Alone down the tampon aisle. Might have traumatised a passing toddler for life.
Got even odder looks in the fruit & veg aisle. It would appear not everyone appreciates a rousing rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus whilst weighing out their plums…