I’m in the mood to fumble…

A funny poem about sex from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasJim:
I’m in the mood to fumble, love.
Rose:
Well how can I refuse?
You make it sound so tempting,
But I can’t disturb my snooze.

Jim:
What about a quickie then?
Rose:
Hmm, lovely though that sounds –
I’m off to meet the girls tonight;
It’s quiz night at The Hounds.

Jim:
Slow and sexy love making?
A big romantic sweep?
Rose:
Only problem there Jim is,
You always feel asleep!

Jim:
Well how about a bit of rough,
Laid prone across the table?
Rose:
Where’s your health and safety Jim?
You know the legs aren’t stable!

Jim:
I know! We’ll do it in a field,
A bit of love ‘al fresco’.
Rose:
Good God! I’d rather do it in
The freezer aisle at Tesco!

Jim:
The car then – snuggled in the back?
Rose:
Well now you’ve lost the plot!
My menopausal flushes Jim
Will make the car too hot!

Jim:
The bath? I’ll go and pour it now –
My best idea by miles.
Rose:
Oh no the water might slosh out
And splash the mosaic tiles!

Jim:
The shower then? Yes that will work
Rose:
The cubicle’s too small!
My glasses will get broken with
My face squashed up the wall!

Jim:
Well shall I go and buy some gear,
Some gadgets and some toys?
Rose:
The neighbours will complain though Jim,
Those things make too much noise!

Jim:
Let’s try a new position then
They’re not just for the young.
Rose:
And risk our brand new mattress Jim?
Don’t think it’s that well sprung!

Jim:
So how about some role-play games?
I’ll wear a cape and mask.
Rose:
That’s preferable to last time Jim –
Black stockings and a basque!

Jim:
Right! Sod it! I’m off to the pub!

Are you a hoarder?!

A funny blog post about being a hoarder, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasThe worst hoarder in our house is my hubby. Everything I want to chuck out, he wants to keep…in the garage…just in case.

Just in case what??

Just in case there’s suddenly a national shortage of biscuit tins with damaged lids, empty dried fruit tubs, chunks of polystyrene, dried up tins of paint, bins full of wood and surplus shelf widgets from Ikea furniture??

If there is ever such a shortage, he will most certainly swing into action and save the day.

Until then – chuck it in the @£$%ing bin!!!

Do you live with a hoarder, or are YOU the hoarder?

STOP SNORING!!

A funny blog post about a husband snoring, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasThe scene – Husband in bed, on his back, snoring after his night out…

Me: Sweetheart, please turn onto your side – you’re snoring.

H: Ok (lifts arm above head, continues to snore)

Me: Err love, please turn onto your side – you’re snoring.

H: Ok (turns head to one side, continues to snore)

Me: Sweetheart…you have to actually move…onto your side.

H: Ok (moves legs, continues to snore)

Me: (coughing loudly) SWEETHEART! PLEASE TURN ONTO YOUR SIDE…YOU’RE SNORING!

H: Ok (fidgets, turns onto his side then flops onto his back. Continues to snore)

Me: OY! TURN. ONTO. YOUR. SIDE. YOU. ARE. SNORING!!

H: Stop waking me up…I was asleep! (Continues to snore)

Me: (pushing him really hard) FECKING TURN ONTO YOUR SIDE – YOU’RE TWATTING SNORING!

H: Woah! There’s no need for that…you only had to ask!

Know What I MEME? – Midlife Malarkey Part 2

So…here is part 2 of my MEMES about midlife. These cover being middle-aged in general, fashion (I use the word in its loosest sense), the menopause and the usual midlife nonsense.

Apologies if you follow me on Facebook and have already seen these. But I doubt you have – at least not every one of them. It all depends on whether your face fits, if you’re in favour, if it’s a slow day for the algorithms, if you’ve made enough comments on my previous posts and if there’s a ‘z’ in the day!

There are an awful lot of ‘ifs’ there!

Enjoy!

A funny MEME about the menopause, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

A funny MEME about middle-age, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

A funny MEME about midlife from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

A funny MEME about hairstyles from midlife blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

A funny MEME about the menopause from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

A funny MEME about middle-age from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

A funny MEME about middle-age from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

A funny MEME about being forgetfull from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

Mustn’t complain…we’re British!

A funny blog post about not complaining by Midlife Dramas in PyjamasWent out for a walk and snack lunch, with hubby and one of the teens. Turned out to be one of the worst lunches I’ve ever had. Nothing to do with the company – they were lovely. But typically British.

Ordered a goat’s cheese and tomato toastie – Oh. My. God. It arrived looking like a limp, pathetic, anaemic rag. I opened it up – it wasn’t even sealed – and couldn’t believe what I was looking at. Very little I tell you! Very little! I immediately had three issues with said ‘toastie’. Keep on reading!

It’s in the jeans…

A funny blog post about shopping for jeans with the hubby by Midlife Dramas in PyjamasFinally managed to talk husband into buying new jeans. He’s only had the last lot for 10 years…so actually I’ve done quite well getting him to agree to a wardrobe update so soon! He declared he needed a couple of pairs in total. I declared he needed a few pairs for ‘every day’ and a few pairs for ‘going out’. Eyes were rolled… Keep on reading!

Deck the halls…

A funny blog post about buying Christmas decorations, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasHubby and I went out for lunch to a charming little café with a craft/gift shop attached. Ate a lovely meal then went for a poke around the shop.

Instantly spotted, and rushed over to, a display of gorgeous Christmas decorations. Much stroking, admiring and cooing ensued.  Husband quickly appeared by my side and told me – in no uncertain terms – that I DID NOT NEED any more Christmas decorations. Keep on reading!

“Darling, do you think the supermarket will stock…?”

A funny blog post about interesting cooking ingredients, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasMy husband likes to cook. At the weekend he likes to read a broadsheet newspaper. And he particularly likes to combine the two – by using recipes he finds in the broadsheet’s magazine. The recipes invariably contain somewhat ‘out there’ ingredients: French rock salt in a dinky, stylish, expensive jar as opposed to table salt in a massive, plastic, economy tub.

Last night I was writing the weekly shopping list. Husband was reading the broadsheet magazine. He looked up. I knew what was coming, “Do you think the supermarket will sell quinces and malt powder?”

I went to said supermarket today. Did they stock these two items? No they did not. I looked around for replacements, and did the best I could.

I bought him an apple and some Horlicks…

Who said romance was dead?

A funny blog post about romance, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasI was getting dry after my shower when husband came in to the bathroom – to get something out of the cupboard. I looked at him and smiled.

Feeling a bit frisky I slipped one shoulder out of the towel and looked at him coyly, then followed it with the other. I allowed the fabric to drop tantalisingly over the top of my breasts, slowly revealing my nipples. He looked at me appreciatively as the towel slithered to the floor, and licked his lips – then his expression changed. Was it lust? Was it admiration? Was it awe?

He opened his mouth to speak the immortal words that every wife longs to hear…

“You’ve got a long hair growing out from the side of your left nipple.”