Hang Up Your Hang-Ups – Seriously?!

A funny blog post about tummy fat, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasSaw this advert in a magazine the other day. Apparently I have a hang-up about my stomach; but I’m not to worry! This company has been working hard on developing innovative technology to make me look like Catherine Zeta-Jones in my bathing costume – PHEW!

So, how does this innovative tummy slimming technology work I hear you ask…

Well, here are my suggestions:

1) You drag your swimming costume up your body – tucking your flab in as you go – and an activated voice tells you to take it off again immediately and replace it with a bin bag to completely cover you up

2) The flab is re-distributed. If my stomach flab is sucked in it can only go to one of two places: under my boobs or around my arse. If it joined forces WITH my boobs I’d be over the moon – for the first time in my life I’d actually have a decent pair of boobs! But UNDER my boobs…not so much. If it settled around my arse that wouldn’t be good either. Kim Kardashian might have a humungous arse, but it’s still pert…if mine became humungous it’d just look like a sack of spuds trying to burst out of a string bag

3) The swimming costume is actually made of well disguised industrial metal and is able to successfully contain the population of a small Caribbean island; so dealing with my stomach flab won’t be an issue. Only problem is I’ll not be able to breathe, and will most likely feel sick – plus my ability to drink a shed load of cocktails by the pool will be seriously diminished

4) The swimming costume is magic, and the minute it comes into contact with my stomach several inches instantly disappear

The thing is ladies…I’m just glad to know that innovative technology is being put to such good use!

It’s great to know that our stomach flab is keeping technologists and/or scientists awake at night!

Want your carpet whipped??

A funny blog post about carpet whipping, from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas.So, driving to supermarket today saw a poster advertising ‘Carpet Whipping’. Nearly drove car off the road craning my neck trying to read it! What the hell kind of new deviant fetish is this?! Obviously my mind went into overdrive…

Do you simply stand whipping a carpet? (Sounds too much like Victorian cleaning for my liking.)

Do you stand whipping a carpet while someone else watches? (No way! If I’m cleaning, you’re helping!)

Does someone else stand whipping a carpet while you watch? (Bloody hell! Can we not just get the vacuum out?)

Does someone else stand whipping you with a carpet? (Won’t that hurt?)

Do you smear whipped cream all over a carpet? (God…there’s no carpet cleaner known to man that’ll get that out…)

Are you duct taped to a carpet? (That’ll play havoc with the fibres.)

Are you tied up with a carpet? (Carpet isn’t actually known for its knot tying prowess.)

Are you rolled up in a carpet? (I’d have a claustrophobic panic attack.)

Do you lie down and get walked over like a carpet? (Errr…I don’t think so mate!)

Do you lie down and get vacuumed like a carpet? (Hahaha! Now you’re just being stupid!)

Do you get dressed up in an outfit made of carpet? (I’m not bloody Lady Gaga!)

Do you simply roll around on a carpet? (Mmmm, slightly more feasible.)

There was steam coming out of my ears by this point, and I’d completely missed my turn off…

Naturally I came home and Googled it. Slightly risky activity considering the way my mind had just been working – especially as I’ve absolutely no idea how to erase my browsing history!!

And the answer??

Carpet Whipping: edging bits of carpet to make mats, rugs or runners.

You can only begin to imagine my disappointment…

A funny blog post about carpet whipping, from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas.

One Year Ago Today…

One year ago today I started my blog – two months after my 50th birthday. Call it a midlife crisis if you will; cheaper than buying a sports car and more seemly than running off with the gardener…  Keep on reading!

Glam V Grungy!

Glam V Grungy! Funny blog post from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasI often go to the supermarket looking like I’ve been sleeping under a railway bridge for a week: hair scraped up, no make-up, tracksuit bottoms, scruffy trainers, pyjama top (I kid you not) and shapeless cardigan (buttoned up to hide the pyjama top!) Keep on reading!

Open Wide…

A funny post about a trip to the dentist from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasToday I was at the dentist for a filling. My dentist is young, gorgeous and always up for a bit of a chat; so returning for a filling isn’t as bad as it would be if he was ancient and brusque with bad breath and smelly armpits. Keep on reading!

“You have reached your destination…”

A funny blog post about a sat nav from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasWent across town to a friend’s house. This was my first visit. Had to use sat nav to get me there. I hate sat navs. I don’t like being told what to do by a person, never mind a gadget suctioned to my windscreen! Keep on reading!