Mother Nature…WHAT THE HELL?!

A fuuny blog post about peeing outside, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasMother Nature really cocked up when she designed our lady bits.

If caught short outside, a man can stand and aim his wee at something the size of a coin; with no more prep needed than unzipping his flies.

A woman – on the other hand – has to:

  • squat down with her legs as wide apart as is humanly possible (not easy with your knickers acting as bondage gear round your ankles)
  • use one hand to pull said knickers as far forward as they’ll go (while avoiding toppling over and nose-diving into the shrubbery)
  • use the other hand to collect in, and bunch up, any wayward clothing (if you have even the slightest inkling that you’ll need to pee ‘al fresco’, for the love of god leave the long winter coat at home)
  • wrestle her bag onto her back (to keep it as far away from the action as possible – water marks will NOT come out of leather)
  • desperately try to avoid scratching her completely bare arse on any lurking undergrowth (those feckin’ brambles get everywhere)

And yet – even after this HUGE AMOUNT OF PREPARATION – we still manage to pee ALL OVER our shoes!!

I Dreamed a Dream…

A funny blog post about wanting peace and quiet, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasHusband was out for the day on Sunday, so I had sheer joy of going to watch two football matches back to back. Yay…

Came back exhausted. Amazing how standing at the side of a pitch doing nothing completely tires you out. Maybe it’s having to make idle chit-chat with parents you’re only on nodding terms with. I could’ve just stood next to them in silence, but we all know that’s impossible for a woman.

On return home decided I deserved a large gin & tonic in the back garden – sun was out so it would’ve been rude not to. I was going to wear my sunglasses, read my book, chill out and enjoy a bit of peace & quiet. For half an hour. That’s all.

Peace & quiet lasted five minutes.

First my youngest appeared, asking if he and his tribe of friends could traipse through the house to the garage for ice lollies. Obviously I had to supervise: shoes off, front door not abandoned wide open, freezer lid firmly closed. As opposed to: muddy shoes through the house, a wind tunnel hurtling down the hall, and the freezer lid left up thawing all the food quicker than you can say, “Shut the bloody lid!”

Settled myself back down then eldest appeared, asking if I had any change for his bus fare. Obviously he was incapable of finding my purse – on the dresser under his nose. He’d walked right past it to get to me.

Had just returned to my sunny spot when Cantankerous Cat appeared, demanding to be fed. Obviously I was the only one qualified to do this; everyone else had suddenly gone deaf, hadn’t noticed her pacing around, had no idea where we kept the cat food and probably didn’t even realise we owned a cat.

Took off my sunglasses, put down my gin, closed my book and waved goodbye to my dream of a few minutes peace and quiet.

Couldn’t believe it…I’d been sitting behind the wall, round the corner of the house, with my legs tucked in, in absolute silence…

…and they’d still ALL FOUND ME!!

Know What I MEME? – True Definitions

True definitions of words, from the humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

I’ve started creating funny MEMES, and find that I’m really enjoying myself hahaha!

If you follow me on Facebook you might have seen them – if the Gods of Facebook have allowed you to that is. It’s all about algorithms you know; you might not have been chosen to see anything from me this week – AT ALL!

If you follow me on Twitter you might have seen the odd MEME as it whizzed past on your timeline. Unless you blinked.

And if you’re one of the 22 people who follow me on Pinterest then…thank you!

So here are a few that show the true definitions of words. They’ll be coming to a dictionary near you, any day now. Keep on reading!

New Outfit – New Body! Hahaha!

Those of you that have been following my blog for a while, will remember my post about the day the camera crew came to the gym.  I described in eye-watering detail my gym outfit: a pair of grey, long cotton supermarket shorts; a scruffy, old green t-shirt; black socks and cheap trainers. Nice!

So, decided I should at least look the part at the gym. It’s no good being able to talk the talk, I have to be able to walk the walk as well – and preferably walk that walk in rather nice matching lycra. So here is my new outfit: Keep on reading!

Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause…

A funny poem about the menopause from the humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

(WARNING: please excuse the F Bomb, I felt it necessary for artistic reasons!)

Oh menopause, oh menopause
You’re here at last – woohoo!
And all the things I’ve heard about
I see you’ve brought them too!

Put your feet up, make a brew
I’m told you’re here to stay.
You’re going to change my life I guess,
Well that’s what people say.

I’ve heard that there are lots of things
I’m going to get to meet.
So tell me all about it then,
Hang on I’ll take a seat.

Keep on reading!

Splashing Around – Part 1

A funny blog post about going swimming from blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasSo…swimming. Hmmmm. There’s nothing I like more than a good 30 lengths to start the day – she lied. I go though, because it’s doing me good. I know that, because I’ve been told it is.

Who’d have thought the simple task of swimming a few lengths could be so fraught. But it is, for several reasons…

The Locker

Scenario 1 – Pile everything in, put token in, firmly shut door, walk towards pool and realise I’ve:

a) still got my glasses on

b) still got my watch on

c) still got my flip-flops on

d) still got all three on

Scenario 2 – Pile everything in, put token in, firmly shut door… realise it’s broken as ‘locked’ door swings gaily open again. Token can’t be retrieved. Do I:

a) nip out to reception in bather, scaring all small children en route

b) try to catch eye of unsuspecting attendant – who’ll invariably ignore the middle-aged woman frantically beckoning, shouting ‘coo-ey’ and waving a purse in his direction Keep on reading!

Hang Up Your Hang-Ups – Seriously?!

A funny blog post about tummy fat, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasSaw this advert in a magazine the other day. Apparently I have a hang-up about my stomach; but I’m not to worry! This company has been working hard on developing innovative technology to make me look like Catherine Zeta-Jones in my bathing costume – PHEW!  Keep on reading!

Want your carpet whipped??

A funny blog post about carpet whipping, from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas.So, driving to supermarket today saw a poster advertising ‘Carpet Whipping’. Nearly drove car off the road craning my neck trying to read it! What the hell kind of new deviant fetish is this?! Obviously my mind went into overdrive… Keep on reading!