What the ballet hell’s going on here?!

Anyone made a new year resolution? I usually don’t because by Jan 2nd I’ve abandoned them. However, this year I’m going to make one that I’ll keep. I’m going to attempt to improve my body – I kid you not!

I did ballet until I was 18. It’s great for strengthening, stretching and flexibility, so I reckon, why not?!

When I first thought about taking up dance again – at age 54 – I fancied disco or jazz, but there isn’t enough Tena Lady in the world to cope with me leaping about the room with gay abandon. And the word ‘lunge’ is no longer even in my vocabulary, never mind in my feet! In ballet there will be the occasional jete (if I stand at the back I can stick one leg out, slide across the floor and make it appear that I’m actually taking off) and the odd bit of batterie (the feet variety as opposed to the fish n chip variety).

I’ve tested it out and can still do a pirouette – although the cat feared for his life as I went into over-spin and nearly landed in a heap on top of him. Fortunately the Christmas tree’s been put away, otherwise I could’ve ended up as a fat fairy sitting amongst its branches, extricating pine needles from my knickers for the foreseeable future. I can also still stretch my arms above my head, now with the added bonus of warming my ears with my bingo wings.

My search for an industrial strength support leotard, with inbuilt incontinence pants, has begun in earnest. I’ll keep you posted…


scrapyard-70908_1280Well ladies I’ve been made redundant
Yet my skills are still abundant.
Now that I am 53
It seems the scrapheap is for me!

My role no longer is required
My talents all have been retired.
And yet my skills in life are vast
They’re now and real, not in the past.

I run a house, co-ordinate
Make sure that no-one’s ever late.
I churn out food all made from scratch
And pair the socks to make them match.

I do the ironing with panache
And make packed lunches in a flash.
I send them all to work and school
With stomachs full to give them fuel.

I act as taxi everywhere
Just running teens from here to there.
I do the shopping, plan the meals
Our house is run on well-oiled wheels.

And all of this while fighting flushes
Trying to make it look like blushes.
Battling weight around my middle
And the need to always piddle.

Dried out parts that once were moist
And pelvic floor that needs a hoist.
Hair that once was full and lush
But now is just a thinning bush.

And all of this while smiling freely
Pretending that it’s alright really.
Cleared away for sweet young things
Who still wear fanny pads with wings.

So any CEOs who need
A person who can take the lead.
To organise and juggle tasks

Beach body ready? What a load of ****!

A funny poem about being beach body ready, by midlife blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasIt’s June at last and summer’s here
My Body’s doing fine.
Not ‘ready’ for the beach I’m told,
But great for sun and wine!

Who told me how I need to look
When laid out on the beach?
Who said my bottom needs to be
Less melon and more peach?

And who said that bikinis were
The fashion for the young?
Is it because my stomach’s flopped,
And boobs aren’t tightly sprung?

I know I’ve got nice lines of blue
Around my legs so white.
And skin that flaps below my arms;
No longer toned and tight.

My body’s aged; it’s seen some life
It’s partied, danced, had fun.
And once a year the beach is where
I go to get some sun.

So no I won’t be at the gym,
And sweating doing weights.
I won’t be trying silly diets
Or shrinking down my plates.

I won’t be ripping out my hair
With tweezers or with wax.
From places where it’s meant to be –
In crevices and cracks.

I won’t be buffing up my skin
To get a sun-kissed glow.
I’m happy with the way it is,
Although it looks like dough!

I won’t be trying to change my thatch
With serums and with creams.
Or trying to get the swishy style
That features in my dreams.

I will however hit the beach
With joy and sass and style.
Accompanied by my family,
A cocktail and a smile!


What’s your view on being ‘beach body ready’?


I’m in the mood to fumble…

A funny poem about sex from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasJim:
I’m in the mood to fumble, love.
Well how can I refuse?
You make it sound so tempting,
But I can’t disturb my snooze.

What about a quickie then?
Hmm, lovely though that sounds –
I’m off to meet the girls tonight;
It’s quiz night at The Hounds.

Slow and sexy love making?
A big romantic sweep?
Only problem there Jim is,
You always fall asleep!

Well how about a bit of rough,
Laid prone across the table?
Where’s your health and safety Jim?
You know the legs aren’t stable!

I know! We’ll do it in a field,
A bit of love ‘al fresco’.
Good God! I’d rather do it in
The freezer aisle at Tesco!

The car then – snuggled in the back?
Well now you’ve lost the plot!
My menopausal flushes Jim
Will make the car too hot!

The bath? I’ll go and pour it now –
My best idea by miles.
Oh no the water might slosh out
And splash the mosaic tiles!

The shower then? Yes that will work
The cubicle’s too small!
My glasses will get broken with
My face squashed up the wall!

Well shall I go and buy some gear,
Some gadgets and some toys?
The neighbours will complain though Jim,
Those things make too much noise!

Let’s try a new position then
They’re not just for the young.
And risk our brand new mattress Jim?
Don’t think it’s that well sprung!

So how about some role-play games?
I’ll wear a cape and mask.
That’s preferable to last time Jim –
Black stockings and a basque!

Right! Sod it! I’m off to the pub!

All hail the Nana Nap!!

A funny poem aboput needing a nap, from humour blogger Midlife dramas in PyjamasIs it wrong to want a nap
And have a little sleep?
Just a quick one – 40 winks
No time to count damned sheep.

I’ve made it half way through the day
A rest is well deserved.
It helps to charge my batteries
And keep me well preserved.

Keep on reading!

Choose Your Knickers Ladies!

A funny poems about women's knickers from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasLet’s talk about our knickers girls,
I really think we should.
We’ll cover all the different types:
The ugly, bad and good.

We’ll start with silly scraps of lace,
That look more like a doyly.
The sort that’s meant to tantalise,
When taken off so slowly.
You know the ones; they itch like mad –
All frilly bits and bows.
Leave them where they do less harm –
In shops, arranged in rows.

Keep on reading!

My five favourite words…

a funny blog posts about the gym from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

My five favourite words of the day:



No…that’s not me in the picture. If it was, I wouldn’t have to go to the gym in the first place!

And I certainly wouldn’t be jumping around like that – not unless I wanted to pull every muscle in my body, knacker my knees, put my back out, drop my glasses…and bloody wet myself!

I’m NEVER drinking AGAIN! (Until the next time…)

A funny blog post about the midlife hangover, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasI go out for a little drink,
And come back home flushed slightly pink.
I spend the next day ill in bed,
With tummy ache and pounding head!

I stagger round – a shade of green,
Being smirked at by the righteous teen.
Pretending that it’s just a bug,
Whilst clinging to my coffee mug.

Will someone kindly tell me please,
Why drinking brings me to my knees?
And why that now I’m 50 plus,
My body has become a wuss?

This midlife nonsense is a curse,
This new intolerance the worst.
It seems that now I’m middle-aged,
My coping gene has disengaged!

Dry hair, hot flushes, bulging waist,
And in my mouth a funny taste.
I need some respite don’t you think?

The BIG Clean Up After Christmas!

A funny blog post about cleaning nup after Christmas, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

The big clean up after Christmas should take me, at most, a morning. How long does it usually take me? A full day.

Why? Because every time I go into a bedroom to clean it, I have to flop onto the bed and have a loll while I’m there. Keep on reading!!

The 12 Days of Midlife!

A funny version of the 12 Days of Christmas, by humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasOn the first day of midlife my body gave to me – a bumper pack of Tena La-dy

(we should get these free on the NHS you know) Keep on Reading!