The 12 Days of Midlife!

A funny version of the 12 Days of Christmas, by humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasOn the first day of midlife my body gave to me – a bumper pack of Tena La-dy

(we should get these free on the NHS you know)

On the second day of midlife my body gave to me – 2 painful boobs

(don’t hug me, don’t touch me, don’t come anywhere near me)

On the third day of midlife my body gave to me – 3 wobbly arms

(seriously, it’s like bloody jelly)

On the fourth day of midlife my body gave to me – 4 tubes of lube

(If you have to ask what it’s for you’re not middle-aged yet)

On the fifth day of midlife my body gave to me – 5…whis…kery….chins

(I’m seriously going to have to start shaving)

On the sixth day of midlife my body gave to me – 6 murderous thoughts

(nobody is safe I tell you…NOBODY)

On the seventh day of midlife my body gave to me – 7 varicose veins

(Yes and they’re ALL on the same leg)

On the eighth day of midlife my body gave to me – dry frizzy hair

(the number 8 doesn’t fit – don’t be picky)

On the ninth day of midlife my body gave to me – 9 flabby bellies

(dear god in heaven – when is that going to go?)

On the tenth day of midlife my body gave to me – 10 sleepless nights

(I now make the walking dead look good)

On the eleventh day of midlife my body gave to me – 11 flaming flushes

(somebody clearly took me seriously when I said I wanted to be ‘hot’ after 50)

On the twelfth day of midlife my body gave to me…sorry, what was I saying?

(Do I know you?)

Oh yes…On the twelfth day of midlife my body gave to me:

12 something or others
11 flaming flushes
10 sleepless nights
9 flabby bellies
dry frizzy hair
7 varicose veins
6 murderous thoughts

5 whis…kery… chins….

4 tubes of lube
3 wobbly arms
2 painful boobs
and a bumper pack of Tena La-dy!!!

HAPPY MIDLIFE CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

SEE YOU IN THE NEW YEAR FOR MORE MIDLIFE MALARKEY! 🙂

Merry Fa La La-ing Christmas!

In an unscheduled break from my elves, I’ve come over all poetic again!

Sing this out loud to the tune – you know you want to!A funny Christmas poem, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Stressed out mum’s not feeling jolly
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Grumpy teens won’t put their phones down
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Dad’s about to have a meltdown
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Get the cat out of the tree
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Give poor mum a gin – or three
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Aunt Joan’s farting like a trooper
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Dad’s now in a drunken stupor
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Sprouts are soggy, turkey’s chewy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Gravy’s lumpy, mash is gluey
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Carrots welded to the roaster
Fa la la la la la la la la la!
Who shoved parsnips in the toaster?
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Little Timmy’s nose is pouring
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Bread sauce spilt has ruined the flooring
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Pigs in blankets burnt and crispy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Cousin Mabel’s found the whiskey
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Christmas pudding’s soaked in brandy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Toddler’s sick from eating candy
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Uncle Norman’s started swearing
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Can’t believe what Aunt Vi’s wearing
Fa la la la la la la la la!

She’s proclaimed she is a singer
Fa la la la la la la la la!
But she looks more like a swinger
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Grandad’s getting drunk and lairy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Gran’s false teeth are on the fairy
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Legs being humped by naughty Rover
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Mum’s pretending to be sober
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Looking round at all the faces
Fa la la la la la la la la la!
Loving kisses and embraces
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Family’s what makes Christmas dear
Fa la la la la la la la la!
At SOMEONE ELSE’S please, next year!
FA LA LA LA LAA…. LA LA LA L’AARRGH!!

Full of Christmas Spirit!

A girls' Christmas night out with Midlife Dramas in PyjamasLast Saturday was our girls’ Christmas night out.

Spent morning laying out dress (long-sleeved to cover up flabby armpits), shoes (4″ red patent leather – I kid you not), underwear (including support tights and suck-it-all-in knickers), handbag (large enough to hold Tena lady, reading glasses and earplugs), make-up (thick enough to fill in the wrinkles) and jewellery. Keep on reading!

“On the fifth day of Christmas, the dress shop gave to me…”

A funny blog post about trying to find the perfect party dress, from Midlif Dramas in PyjamasWell, it’s that time of year again – the ‘hunt down a couple of  dresses for the party season’ time of year. Or as I like to call it – the ‘cross my fingers and hope I find something that doesn’t make me look like mutton dressed as lamb, has an air of Catherine Zeta Jones about it (as opposed to an air of desperation), and doesn’t cost the earth’ time of year. Keep on reading!