Knickers to that!

Big knickers

Have decided will no longer be wearing my big ‘squeeze it all in’ knickers. Think they might be why I feel a little queasy at the end of girls’ nights out. No, the number of cocktails consumed has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Big ‘squeeze it all in’ knickers are great in theory but in reality, I ask you, where does all the flab actually go?

It would be great to think it was going to be pushed up into my bra to give me a decent pair of boobs, but alas no. It actually does two things – neither of which is the slightest bit helpful. The flab squeezed up and out of the top of the knickers settles in a roll just below my bra, making me look like Hattie Jacques in Carry on Matron. The flab squeezed down and out of the bottom of the knickers settles in a roll across my thighs, making me look like a Russian shot putter that’s gone to seed.

The overall look is of a doughnut with an elastic band round its middle.

Not a look I’ll be chasing anymore. In future, if I’m feeling a little queasy at the end of a girls’ night out, I’ll have to come up with another excuse for the cause of it.

Move up…

bed 4I clean my house from top to bottom once a week. It should take me – at most – a morning. How long does it actually take me? A full day.

Why? Because every time I go into a bedroom I have to flop onto the bed and have a loll.

It’s not a choice – it’s a fundamental necessity. I have tried resisting the urge, but what harm am I doing?

Yesterday was no different. Made it as far as first child’s bedroom and that was that. Once I’d flopped I realised I felt rather tired, so turned over – quite happily – to have a snooze. Quite happily that is until my stomach flopped over with me, and requested that I move up as it didn’t have enough room.

Quickly got up and decided to get on with the cleaning. Think from now on it will only take me a morning.

Damn those tracksuit bottoms!

BIG KNICKERSMy body seems to have made a rather distressing development.

If I bend over, while wearing tracksuit bottoms, my stomach flab flops over the top of my knickers and starts to roll them down.

This is very depressing in the house. It’s extremely alarming in the supermarket.

Clearly I need to stop wearing tracksuit bottoms…