For goodness sake, I’ll do it myself!

My current hairdresser is hell-bent on blow-drying my hair in a certain way – which is absolutely not the way I want it. So today, to show her how I’d like it done, I actually washed and blow-dried it myself before I went for my appointment – yes, you read that right. Puffed out from my head and wavy; nothing wrong with a bit of Farrah Fawcett of a morning! Plenty of volume. Remember that. It’s important.

She did the roots and trimmed it, then it was time for the blow dry. I’d told her I like volume. I’d told her it doesn’t suit me flat to my head. I’d told her flat hair makes my face look gaunt – I’d told her it makes me look old. She nodded and smiled knowingly.

Confident she knew what she was doing I settled down to read my book. 15 minutes later I looked up. CHUFFIN’ NORA!! An Afghan hound looked back at me. No, NOT a perfectly groomed, swishy, silky Afghan hound – a neglected, scrawny, old mutt with lank hair that any grungy teenager would be proud of!

Flat to my head, my face looked gaunt, I’d aged 10 years and guess what? NO VOLUME!

Shampoo, why do you lie so much?

Shampoo why do you lie so much?
What makes you promise me,
That using you will make my hair
The hair I want to see?

You show me lovely images
Of maidens, oh so fair.
You make me think that I can have
Their lovely, flowing hair.

You say you’ll smooth and clarify
Protect, repair and fix.
Relax, hydrate, defend from breaks
And other clever tricks.

You offer volume, body, height
And all things in between.
And obviously my hair will have
A sleek and glossy sheen.

You’ll make my hair more youthful, and
Keep signs of age at bay.
You’ll fix split ends and somehow change
The texture of the grey.

Shampoo for greasy, frizzy, dry
Or flyaway and fine.
Coloured, curly, straight or flat
But which is right for mine?

I choose one and rush home with glee,
Fling back the shower door.
I wash and dry my hair, and yet –
IT’S STILL LIKE BLOODY STRAW!!!

“Hair was it for you?”

Visited hairdresser’s today. My visits follow this format:

Her: Have you been happy with your hair this time?

Me: Well, err… I still think it’s shorter on one side.

Her (scooping up chunks of hair): Well, it’s cut correctly.

Me: But it doesn’t look quite right.

Her: Well I could do this…. but then you’ll lose your length. Or I could do this…. but then you’ll lose your layers. Are you doing anything nice at the weekend?

Me: I know it’s not you, it’s my hair… No not particularly.

Her: Yes, it’s the way your hair kinks out at one side.

Me: Can’t you just leave that side to grow down a bit?

Her: Ooo no, it wouldn’t be cut right.

Me: But it would look right – to me.

Her: Yes but your layers wouldn’t be right.

Me: Yes but…

Her: Why don’t you grow it out into a bob?

Me: What?? No, a bob doesn’t suit me. It makes my face look thin and gaunt. Remember I told you that last time?

Her: Mmm. Shall we leave it this time then, and just trim your length?

Me (with rictus grin on face): Lovely, yes, let’s do that.

An hour later I look at the finished product. I still think it looks shorter on one side. My parting shot?

Me: That’s great thanks; see you in six weeks’ time.