The scene – Husband in bed, on his back, snoring after his night out…
Me: Sweetheart, please turn onto your side – you’re snoring.
H: Ok (lifts arm above head, continues to snore)
Me: Err love, please turn onto your side – you’re snoring.
H: Ok (turns head to one side, continues to snore)
Me: Sweetheart…you have to actually move…onto your side.
H: Ok (moves legs, continues to snore)
Me: (coughing loudly) SWEETHEART! PLEASE TURN ONTO YOUR SIDE…YOU’RE SNORING!
H: Ok (fidgets, turns onto his side then flops onto his back. Continues to snore)
Me: OY! TURN. ONTO. YOUR. SIDE. YOU. ARE. SNORING!!
H: Stop waking me up…I was asleep! (Continues to snore)
Me: (pushing him really hard) FECKING TURN ONTO YOUR SIDE – YOU’RE TWATTING SNORING!
H: Woah! There’s no need for that…you only had to ask!
I go out for a little drink,
And come back home flushed slightly pink.
I spend the next day ill in bed,
With tummy ache and pounding head!
I stagger round – a shade of green,
Being smirked at by the righteous teen.
Pretending that it’s just a bug,
Whilst clinging to my coffee mug.
Will someone kindly tell me please,
Why drinking brings me to my knees?
And why that now I’m 50 plus,
My body has become a wuss?
This midlife nonsense is a curse,
This new intolerance the worst.
It seems that now I’m middle-aged,
My coping gene has disengaged!
Dry hair, hot flushes, bulging waist,
And in my mouth a funny taste.
I need some respite don’t you think?
FOR GOD’S SAKE LET ME HAVE A DRINK!!
The big clean up after Christmas should take me, at most, a morning. How long does it usually take me? A full day.
Why? Because every time I go into a bedroom to clean it, I have to flop onto the bed and have a loll while I’m there. Keep on reading!!
On the first day of midlife my body gave to me – a bumper pack of Tena La-dy
(we should get these free on the NHS you know) Keep on Reading!