Is this all worth it just to not be short?!

A funny poem about wearing high heels, from midlife humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasWhy do women feel the need to walk on tottering heels?
It’s almost like we hate our feet, or that’s the way it feels.
Our body has a bonkers gait
It’s certainly no longer straight,
I’d rather have those shoes with little wheels!

We walk as if we’ve wet ourselves, or like we’ve come by horse
We take our steps so carefully to try to stay on course.
We clench our toes to hold our shoes
For fear one day a shoe we’ll lose,
And sling-backs make the situation worse!

The floor becomes an obstacle, an actual battleground
With smooth and slippy just as bad as rough and harsh, I’ve found.
The worst by far is bumpy cobbles
Sure to cause the teetering wobbles,
Each tiny stone becomes a hellish mound!

And what about the ground that’s soft, let’s talk about the grass
We have to walk on tiptoes; oh the woes of being a lass.
We know that if we lower down
We’ll end up walking like a clown,
Our heels will sink and land us on our ass!

Pavements with their cracks and gaps have simply no respect
They lie in wait to grab our heels, a trap we now expect.
Our heel slips down and with a jolt
Our journey comes straight to a halt,
We wrench it out but it’s completely wrecked!

High heels are meant to make us walk like sexy movie stars
When slinking into nightclubs, pubs and bistros, clubs and bars.
They’re meant to give us swivelling hips
At least until they make us trip,
Then down we go once more upon our arse!

And then there are the silly straps that some shoes seem to sport
Our foot now flaps, our ankle’s loose; there’s simply no support.
There’s nothing there to firmly grip
We all know that our feet will slip,
IS THIS ALL WORTH IT JUST TO NOT BE SHORT?!

 

Choose Your Knickers Ladies!

A funny poems about women's knickers from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasLet’s talk about our knickers girls,
I really think we should.
We’ll cover all the different types:
The ugly, bad and good.

We’ll start with silly scraps of lace,
That look more like a doyly.
The sort that’s meant to tantalise,
When taken off so slowly.
You know the ones; they itch like mad –
All frilly bits and bows.
Leave them where they do less harm –
In shops, arranged in rows.

And while we’re in the area,
Of underwear that’s wrong,
The next offender, please step up –
The bloody awful thong!
I feel our bum cheeks need to be
Contained and wrapped up tight.
Not there to see through trousers,
Bumps and lumps and cellulite!

And as for silly G-Strings,
Someone tell me, what the hell?
A bit of string rammed up your bum?
That surely won’t end well!
French knickers, what’s that all about?
They’re meant to look all naughty.
But we all know that actually,
They’re flappy, loose and draughty!

Hipster and bikini briefs –
Now this type makes me frown.
They sit below your stomach,
And your flab then rolls them down!
High cut briefs cause fat to sit,
Below your knicker line.
No wonder that we’ve had to turn
To vodka, gin and wine!

So what about ‘control’ dear friends –
The ‘suck it all in’ knicker.
Designed to make our tum look thin,
Yet other bits look thicker!
These pants are like elastic bands,
They pull it all in tight.
But where does all that fat end up?
It’s not a pretty sight.

Basically the fat is pushed
Above the straining band.
You end up with an extra roll;
Your under rib expands.
Don’t try to eat, don’t try to drink,
Don’t even try to sit.
In fact you’re best not trying to move,
In case your knickers split!

Trying to get them on is the
Olympics at their best.
A medal would be well deserved,
For simply getting dressed.
And don’t begin to ever think,
You’ll get them off no worry.
You need a wee? There’s just no way,
They’ll come off in a hurry.

Well girls, what’s left for us to wear –
Which knickers should we buy?
My favourite is the full cut brief,
It’s classic and here’s why –

The waist band comes up all the way,
Above your flab and fat.
They don’t make claims to change your shape,
Or squash your stomach flat.
They let you breathe; they don’t roll down,
Or cut your bum in two.
They do not itch, or flap around –
They’re solid through and through.

So what’s the style that’s right for you?
Please let me know your views.
It’s your turn girls; I’d love to know,
The knickers that you choose!

Merry Fa La La-ing Christmas!

In an unscheduled break from my elves, I’ve come over all poetic again!

Sing this out loud to the tune – you know you want to!A funny Christmas poem, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Stressed out mum’s not feeling jolly
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Grumpy teens won’t put their phones down
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Dad’s about to have a meltdown
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Get the cat out of the tree
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Give poor mum a gin – or three
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Aunt Joan’s farting like a trooper
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Dad’s now in a drunken stupor
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Sprouts are soggy, turkey’s chewy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Gravy’s lumpy, mash is gluey
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Carrots welded to the roaster
Fa la la la la la la la la la!
Who shoved parsnips in the toaster?
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Little Timmy’s nose is pouring
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Bread sauce spilt has ruined the flooring
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Pigs in blankets burnt and crispy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Cousin Mabel’s found the whiskey
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Christmas pudding’s soaked in brandy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Toddler’s sick from eating candy
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Uncle Norman’s started swearing
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Can’t believe what Aunt Vi’s wearing
Fa la la la la la la la la!

She’s proclaimed she is a singer
Fa la la la la la la la la!
But she looks more like a swinger
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Grandad’s getting drunk and lairy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Gran’s false teeth are on the fairy
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Legs being humped by naughty Rover
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Mum’s pretending to be sober
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Looking round at all the faces
Fa la la la la la la la la la!
Loving kisses and embraces
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Family’s what makes Christmas dear
Fa la la la la la la la la!
At SOMEONE ELSE’S please, next year!
FA LA LA LA LAA…. LA LA LA L’AARRGH!!

Murder on the Dancefloor!

Here’s the first poem I’ve written inspired by my poetry challenge. Someone over on Facebook suggested the idea, ‘Dancing like no-one is looking, then noticing that they ALL are!’

A funny blog post about going out clubbing in middle-age, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas
I went out drinking with a friend,
We both knew how the night would end.
Laughter, fun and raucous dancing,
Stopping life from fast advancing.

Dressed in heels and make-up on,
Our fear and inhibitions gone.
We ate a meal – how civilised,
Excitement only just disguised.

A cocktail first and then one more,
We headed off towards the door.
Towards the club where deep within,
Our fantasy would soon begin.

Keep on reading!

Poetry Challenge!

A blog post asking for poetry topic ideas, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasSometimes I like to live life on the edge…usually the edge of a family-sized bar of chocolate, a Mojito, a party-sized bag of Walkers Sensations Thai sweet chilli crisps, or a large G&T!

As you’re following my blog you’ll have sussed that I like writing poems. So far I’ve covered: the maxi dress, shampoo, the teenager’s homework, the menopause and incontinence! I’m now trying to think of my next topic, and I suddenly had the idea of asking YOU! Here comes the edge bit…

If you have a suggestion for a poem topic, write it in the comments and I’ll see what I can do.

Over on Facebook they’ve joined in with gusto! Here’s a quick little ditty inspired by the suggestion of ‘menopausal hair’…

There once was a middle-aged lady
Whose hair became wiry and fady.
Out of control
To brush, comb or roll,
She stalked around hatted and shady!

Don’t leave me hanging! If no-one joins in, the only things I’ll be on the edge of are mortification, embarrassment, humiliation and…discombobulation!!

Over to you… 🙂

Dear Bladder…

Dear Bladder... 2

I’d like to take my body back,
Relinquish your control.
To pick the times I want to pee,
Well, that’s my desperate goal.

You seem to choose the worst of times
To make your presence known.
Dancing, sneezing, laughing and
Wet pants will send me home.

Keep on reading!

Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause…

A funny poem about the menopause from the humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

(WARNING: please excuse the F Bomb, I felt it necessary for artistic reasons!)

Oh menopause, oh menopause
You’re here at last – woohoo!
And all the things I’ve heard about
I see you’ve brought them too!

Put your feet up, make a brew
I’m told you’re here to stay.
You’re going to change my life I guess,
Well that’s what people say.

I’ve heard that there are lots of things
I’m going to get to meet.
So tell me all about it then,
Hang on I’ll take a seat.

Keep on reading!

Homework time again…yay!

A funny poem about helping a teen with homework from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasI’ll help you love, you know I will
It’s what I always do.
We both know I’ll be writing it,
With little work from you.
Keep on reading!