Beach body ready? What a load of ****!

A funny poem about being beach body ready, by midlife blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasIt’s June at last and summer’s here
My Body’s doing fine.
Not ‘ready’ for the beach I’m told,
But great for sun and wine!

Who told me how I need to look
When laid out on the beach?
Who said my bottom needs to be
Less melon and more peach?

And who said that bikinis were
The fashion for the young?
Is it because my stomach’s flopped,
And boobs aren’t tightly sprung?

I know I’ve got nice lines of blue
Around my legs so white.
And skin that flaps below my arms;
No longer toned and tight.

My body’s aged; it’s seen some life
It’s partied, danced, had fun.
And once a year the beach is where
I go to get some sun.

So no I won’t be at the gym,
And sweating doing weights.
I won’t be trying silly diets
Or shrinking down my plates.

I won’t be ripping out my hair
With tweezers or with wax.
From places where it’s meant to be –
In crevices and cracks.

I won’t be buffing up my skin
To get a sun-kissed glow.
I’m happy with the way it is,
Although it looks like dough!

I won’t be trying to change my thatch
With serums and with creams.
Or trying to get the swishy style
That features in my dreams.

I will however hit the beach
With joy and sass and style.
Accompanied by my family,
A cocktail and a smile!

 

What’s your view on being ‘beach body ready’?

 

I’m in the mood to fumble…

A funny poem about sex from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasJim:
I’m in the mood to fumble, love.
Rose:
Well how can I refuse?
You make it sound so tempting,
But I can’t disturb my snooze.

Jim:
What about a quickie then?
Rose:
Hmm, lovely though that sounds –
I’m off to meet the girls tonight;
It’s quiz night at The Hounds.

Jim:
Slow and sexy love making?
A big romantic sweep?
Rose:
Only problem there Jim is,
You always fall asleep!

Jim:
Well how about a bit of rough,
Laid prone across the table?
Rose:
Where’s your health and safety Jim?
You know the legs aren’t stable!

Jim:
I know! We’ll do it in a field,
A bit of love ‘al fresco’.
Rose:
Good God! I’d rather do it in
The freezer aisle at Tesco!

Jim:
The car then – snuggled in the back?
Rose:
Well now you’ve lost the plot!
My menopausal flushes Jim
Will make the car too hot!

Jim:
The bath? I’ll go and pour it now –
My best idea by miles.
Rose:
Oh no the water might slosh out
And splash the mosaic tiles!

Jim:
The shower then? Yes that will work
Rose:
The cubicle’s too small!
My glasses will get broken with
My face squashed up the wall!

Jim:
Well shall I go and buy some gear,
Some gadgets and some toys?
Rose:
The neighbours will complain though Jim,
Those things make too much noise!

Jim:
Let’s try a new position then
They’re not just for the young.
Rose:
And risk our brand new mattress Jim?
Don’t think it’s that well sprung!

Jim:
So how about some role-play games?
I’ll wear a cape and mask.
Rose:
That’s preferable to last time Jim –
Black stockings and a basque!

Jim:
Right! Sod it! I’m off to the pub!

Is this all worth it just to not be short?!

A funny poem about wearing high heels, from midlife humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasWhy do women feel the need to walk on tottering heels?
It’s almost like we hate our feet, or that’s the way it feels.
Our body has a bonkers gait
It’s certainly no longer straight,
I’d rather have those shoes with little wheels!

Keep on reading!

Choose Your Knickers Ladies!

A funny poems about women's knickers from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasLet’s talk about our knickers girls,
I really think we should.
We’ll cover all the different types:
The ugly, bad and good.

We’ll start with silly scraps of lace,
That look more like a doyly.
The sort that’s meant to tantalise,
When taken off so slowly.
You know the ones; they itch like mad –
All frilly bits and bows.
Leave them where they do less harm –
In shops, arranged in rows.

Keep on reading!

Merry Fa La La-ing Christmas!

In an unscheduled break from my elves, I’ve come over all poetic again!

Sing this out loud to the tune – you know you want to!A funny Christmas poem, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Stressed out mum’s not feeling jolly
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Grumpy teens won’t put their phones down
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Dad’s about to have a meltdown
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Get the cat out of the tree
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Give poor mum a gin – or three
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Aunt Joan’s farting like a trooper
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Dad’s now in a drunken stupor
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Sprouts are soggy, turkey’s chewy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Gravy’s lumpy, mash is gluey
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Carrots welded to the roaster
Fa la la la la la la la la la!
Who shoved parsnips in the toaster?
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Little Timmy’s nose is pouring
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Bread sauce spilt has ruined the flooring
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Pigs in blankets burnt and crispy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Cousin Mabel’s found the whiskey
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Christmas pudding’s soaked in brandy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Toddler’s sick from eating candy
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Uncle Norman’s started swearing
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Can’t believe what Aunt Vi’s wearing
Fa la la la la la la la la!

She’s proclaimed she is a singer
Fa la la la la la la la la!
But she looks more like a swinger
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Grandad’s getting drunk and lairy
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Gran’s false teeth are on the fairy
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Legs being humped by naughty Rover
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Mum’s pretending to be sober
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Looking round at all the faces
Fa la la la la la la la la la!
Loving kisses and embraces
Fa la la la la la la la la!

Family’s what makes Christmas dear
Fa la la la la la la la la!
At SOMEONE ELSE’S please, next year!
FA LA LA LA LAA…. LA LA LA L’AARRGH!!

Murder on the Dancefloor!

Here’s the first poem I’ve written inspired by my poetry challenge. Someone over on Facebook suggested the idea, ‘Dancing like no-one is looking, then noticing that they ALL are!’

A funny blog post about going out clubbing in middle-age, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas
I went out drinking with a friend,
We both knew how the night would end.
Laughter, fun and raucous dancing,
Stopping life from fast advancing.

Dressed in heels and make-up on,
Our fear and inhibitions gone.
We ate a meal – how civilised,
Excitement only just disguised.

A cocktail first and then one more,
We headed off towards the door.
Towards the club where deep within,
Our fantasy would soon begin.

Keep on reading!

Poetry Challenge!

A blog post asking for poetry topic ideas, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasSometimes I like to live life on the edge…usually the edge of a family-sized bar of chocolate, a Mojito, a party-sized bag of Walkers Sensations Thai sweet chilli crisps, or a large G&T!

As you’re following my blog you’ll have sussed that I like writing poems. So far I’ve covered: the maxi dress, shampoo, the teenager’s homework, the menopause and incontinence! I’m now trying to think of my next topic, and I suddenly had the idea of asking YOU! Here comes the edge bit…

If you have a suggestion for a poem topic, write it in the comments and I’ll see what I can do.

Over on Facebook they’ve joined in with gusto! Here’s a quick little ditty inspired by the suggestion of ‘menopausal hair’…

There once was a middle-aged lady
Whose hair became wiry and fady.
Out of control
To brush, comb or roll,
She stalked around hatted and shady!

Don’t leave me hanging! If no-one joins in, the only things I’ll be on the edge of are mortification, embarrassment, humiliation and…discombobulation!!

Over to you… 🙂

Dear Bladder…

Dear Bladder... 2

I’d like to take my body back,
Relinquish your control.
To pick the times I want to pee,
Well, that’s my desperate goal.

You seem to choose the worst of times
To make your presence known.
Dancing, sneezing, laughing and
Wet pants will send me home.

Keep on reading!

Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause…

A funny poem about the menopause from the humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

(WARNING: please excuse the F Bomb, I felt it necessary for artistic reasons!)

Oh menopause, oh menopause
You’re here at last – woohoo!
And all the things I’ve heard about
I see you’ve brought them too!

Put your feet up, make a brew
I’m told you’re here to stay.
You’re going to change my life I guess,
Well that’s what people say.

I’ve heard that there are lots of things
I’m going to get to meet.
So tell me all about it then,
Hang on I’ll take a seat.

Keep on reading!