I’m in the mood to fumble…

A funny poem about sex from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasJim:
I’m in the mood to fumble, love.
Rose:
Well how can I refuse?
You make it sound so tempting,
But I can’t disturb my snooze.

Jim:
What about a quickie then?
Rose:
Hmm, lovely though that sounds –
I’m off to meet the girls tonight;
It’s quiz night at The Hounds.

Jim:
Slow and sexy love making?
A big romantic sweep?
Rose:
Only problem there Jim is,
You always fall asleep!

Jim:
Well how about a bit of rough,
Laid prone across the table?
Rose:
Where’s your health and safety Jim?
You know the legs aren’t stable!

Jim:
I know! We’ll do it in a field,
A bit of love ‘al fresco’.
Rose:
Good God! I’d rather do it in
The freezer aisle at Tesco!

Jim:
The car then – snuggled in the back?
Rose:
Well now you’ve lost the plot!
My menopausal flushes Jim
Will make the car too hot!

Jim:
The bath? I’ll go and pour it now –
My best idea by miles.
Rose:
Oh no the water might slosh out
And splash the mosaic tiles!

Jim:
The shower then? Yes that will work
Rose:
The cubicle’s too small!
My glasses will get broken with
My face squashed up the wall!

Jim:
Well shall I go and buy some gear,
Some gadgets and some toys?
Rose:
The neighbours will complain though Jim,
Those things make too much noise!

Jim:
Let’s try a new position then
They’re not just for the young.
Rose:
And risk our brand new mattress Jim?
Don’t think it’s that well sprung!

Jim:
So how about some role-play games?
I’ll wear a cape and mask.
Rose:
That’s preferable to last time Jim –
Black stockings and a basque!

Jim:
Right! Sod it! I’m off to the pub!

Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause…

A funny poem about the menopause from the humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

(WARNING: please excuse the F Bomb, I felt it necessary for artistic reasons!)

Oh menopause, oh menopause
You’re here at last – woohoo!
And all the things I’ve heard about
I see you’ve brought them too!

Put your feet up, make a brew
I’m told you’re here to stay.
You’re going to change my life I guess,
Well that’s what people say.

I’ve heard that there are lots of things
I’m going to get to meet.
So tell me all about it then,
Hang on I’ll take a seat.

Keep on reading!

Shampoo, why do you lie so much?

A funny poem about shampoo, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasShampoo why do you lie so much?
What makes you promise me,
That using you will make my hair
The hair I want to see?

You show me lovely images
Of maidens, oh so fair.
You make me think that I can have
Their lovely, flowing hair.

You say you’ll smooth and clarify
Protect, repair and fix.
Relax, hydrate, defend from breaks
And other clever tricks.

You offer volume, body, height
And all things in between.
And obviously my hair will have
A sleek and glossy sheen.

You’ll make my hair more youthful, and
Keep signs of age at bay.
You’ll fix split ends and somehow change
The texture of the grey.

Shampoo for greasy, frizzy, dry
Or flyaway and fine.
Coloured, curly, straight or flat
But which is right for mine?

I choose one and rush home with glee,
Fling back the shower door.
I wash and dry my hair, and yet –
IT’S STILL LIKE BLOODY STRAW!!!

An Ode to the Maxi Dress

 

A funny poem about the maxi dress from Midlife Dramas in pyjamasOh maxi dress, oh maxi dress
My favourite style by far.
I wear it all the time you know
In restaurant, shop and bar.

It covers all the things I’ve got
I’d rather not be seen.
I’ll give a few examples
So you’ll know just what I mean.

Pale, white legs that never brown
No matter what I do.
Veins that creep around my shins
A lovely shade of blue.

Hairs so long they’d look ok
On any man I know.
A bum that lost its pertness
And its firmness long ago.

Knees no longer pointing straight
But slipping to the side.
A muffin top and rolls of flab
Are what I’m trying to hide.

I put it on, I stand up tall
And watch it drape around.
All the things kept underneath
Are hidden safe and sound.

So thank you lovely maxi dress
For all the times you’re there.
Even when you’re out of date
It’s you I’ll always wear.