Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause…

A funny poem about the menopause from the humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

(WARNING: please excuse the F Bomb, I felt it necessary for artistic reasons!)

Oh menopause, oh menopause
You’re here at last – woohoo!
And all the things I’ve heard about
I see you’ve brought them too!

Put your feet up, make a brew
I’m told you’re here to stay.
You’re going to change my life I guess,
Well that’s what people say.

I’ve heard that there are lots of things
I’m going to get to meet.
So tell me all about it then,
Hang on I’ll take a seat.

Heated flushes
Itchy skin
Running to the loo.
Temper tantrums
Sleepless nights
Not bad, that’s just a few.

Oh sorry did you say there’s more
Beg pardon do go on.
I can’t help thinking that’s enough;
You surely must be done?

Palpitations
Aches and pains
Fluctuating weight.
Feeling anxious
Stiffening joints
Now let me get this straight.

I have to suffer all of this
Because I am a woman?
That’s surely just a horrid joke
‘Cos most of its not human!

Night time sweating
Weakened bones
Falling out with friends.
Low libido
Memory loss
How long until it ends??

The years may be as long as ten?
Or maybe only five?
But why do I deserve all this?
And how will I survive?

Nagging headaches
Always tired
Dryness down below.
Irritated
Murderous thoughts
Not sure I want to know!

Feeling dizzy
Painful boobs
Drying skin and hair.
Bloated tummy
Thinning nails
I’m starting to despair!

Don’t think I really want to change,
And truly not like this.
It’s good you came; but off you go
I’m giving it a miss.

Muscle tension
Burning tongue
Low and tetchy moods.
I’ve heard enough
It sounds like hell
So basically I’m screwed?!

If women have to cope with this
Then what about the men?
Now tell me all the things THEY get –
NOTHING?! – Say again!!

What’s that you say, there is one thing;
They do it to their grave.
They have to tend their facial hair –
THEY HAVE TO FUCKING SHAVE?!