Dear Bladder…

Dear Bladder... 2

I’d like to take my body back,
Relinquish your control.
To pick the times I want to pee,
Well, that’s my desperate goal.

You seem to choose the worst of times
To make your presence known.
Dancing, sneezing, laughing and
Wet pants will send me home.

Stop waiting ‘til I’m at the door,
With tights pulled up in place.
Then quickly make me yank them down
With very little grace.

Get fit at 50 I’ve been told,
Oh please don’t make me laugh!
Aerobics made her wet herself’
Will be my epitaph.

Yoga causes constant drips
And cycling wets the seat.
And when they see me at the gym
They fetch the plastic sheet!

I must absorb the water when
I’m in the swimming pool.
You make me leak the whole way home;
That really is quite cruel.

The times I’ve had too much to drink,
You send the dreaded drip.
Then make me clench and shuffle walk:
Crossed legs and swivelling hips.

The worst is rushing to the loo;
I’ve left it far too late.
I’m through the door, the bowl’s in sight
And clearly you can’t wait –

You seem to think I don’t need time
To get my knickers off.
No chance to even take a seat,
God help me if I cough!

So bladder dearest, pack it in
I’ve really had enough.
Your help’s not needed anymore
You don’t agree? Well tough!

I think it’s best that I decide
The times I need to go.
I don’t need you to tell me when –
I’M SURE I’LL BLOODY KNOW!

 

19 thoughts on “Dear Bladder…

  1. OMG I absolutely LOVE this ode to bladders!!
    This was exactly me but I finally took the plunge and had surgery to fix it!! Now I no longer PMSL
    All I need now is surgery to stop me from farting when I laugh!!

    Like

    • That’s hilarious Jad! I presume you’re joking!! 😂 I’ve just been to see the uri-gyn nurse and her first port of call was, “Do pelvic floor excersises.” Hmmm, if I’d managed to REMEMBER to do those for the last 17 years I wouldn’t be in this predicament now!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I actually truly did have the surgery, I now have complete and total control of my bladder!! Most amazing thing I ever did, wish I had it years ago. I have heard the surgery is not for everyone but it sure as heck was for me!
        I especially related to your bit in the poem about when you have had too much to drink. I remember being in Vegas, after drinking all day my friend was taking me back to my hotel room and I went pee pee pee all the way home!!
        Pelvic floor exercises pffft!! I bought some kegal balls, I could not hold them suckers inside me for one second!
        As for farting when I laugh, I am 50 um something, I have just discovered sex, and I am shall we say adventuring and exploring. I try not to fart in polite company or with someone I just had sex with and can usually hold my farts… Except when I laugh!

        Like

      • I don’t even need to be trying to hold shit in when I laugh. I can’t even hold my stomach in anymore when a good looking dude walks past!!

        Like

  2. Just love this #sorelate totally!!!! My bladder is no good any more and a recent trial of netball left me under no illusion that sport or even walking fast is no longer an option. Say hello to Tena’s #TweensTeensBeyond

    Like

  3. Pingback: Dear Bladder... -

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s