I’m in the mood to fumble…

A funny poem about sex from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasJim:
I’m in the mood to fumble, love.
Rose:
Well how can I refuse?
You make it sound so tempting,
But I can’t disturb my snooze.

Jim:
What about a quickie then?
Rose:
Hmm, lovely though that sounds –
I’m off to meet the girls tonight;
It’s quiz night at The Hounds.

Jim:
Slow and sexy love making?
A big romantic sweep?
Rose:
Only problem there Jim is,
You always feel asleep!

Jim:
Well how about a bit of rough,
Laid prone across the table?
Rose:
Where’s your health and safety Jim?
You know the legs aren’t stable!

Jim:
I know! We’ll do it in a field,
A bit of love ‘al fresco’.
Rose:
Good God! I’d rather do it in
The freezer aisle at Tesco!

Jim:
The car then – snuggled in the back?
Rose:
Well now you’ve lost the plot!
My menopausal flushes Jim
Will make the car too hot!

Jim:
The bath? I’ll go and pour it now –
My best idea by miles.
Rose:
Oh no the water might slosh out
And splash the mosaic tiles!

Jim:
The shower then? Yes that will work
Rose:
The cubicle’s too small!
My glasses will get broken with
My face squashed up the wall!

Jim:
Well shall I go and buy some gear,
Some gadgets and some toys?
Rose:
The neighbours will complain though Jim,
Those things make too much noise!

Jim:
Let’s try a new position then
They’re not just for the young.
Rose:
And risk our brand new mattress Jim?
Don’t think it’s that well sprung!

Jim:
So how about some role-play games?
I’ll wear a cape and mask.
Rose:
That’s preferable to last time Jim –
Black stockings and a basque!

Jim:
Right! Sod it! I’m off to the pub!

All hail the Nana Nap!!

A funny poem aboput needing a nap, from humour blogger Midlife dramas in PyjamasIs it wrong to want a nap
And have a little sleep?
Just a quick one – 40 winks
No time to count damned sheep.

I’ve made it half way through the day
A rest is well deserved.
It helps to charge my batteries
And keep me well preserved.

It’s not because I’m middle-aged
Oh no, no, no, no, no!
It’s just to help me carry on
And keep my youthful glow.

My raison d’etre, joie de vivre
Tiring va-va-voom.
All need the chance to take a break
And in a darkened room.

It won’t take long to perk back up
Be fabulous once more.
Just leave me here a little while
Creep out and close the door.

Ok, I’ll stop the nonsense now
I need it cos I’m knackered!
I went out with the girls last night
Drank cocktails and got hammered!!

 funny-3000956_1280

 

And the sandal search begins…!

A funny blog post about buying sandals from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasAnyone else not look forward to sandal shopping?!

It’s not that I’m fussy but…

Can’t do ‘completely flat’ because of knackered arches from years of ballet.

Can’t do ‘barely there strappy’ because of long knobbly feet which would look more at home on a hobbit.

Can’t do ‘ankle straps’ because they don’t hold my feet in place, plus my heels don’t make for pleasant viewing.

Can’t do ‘sling backs’ because the sling back slings off and I end up walking out of them.

Can’t do flip-flops because the toe thong tickles too much – I have a very low tickle threshold.

Oh, and don’t want a pair that says ‘comfy, middle-aged’ or a pair that says ‘stripper’.

Won’t surprise you to hear that I struggle to find any lol!

Let me know of any of your sandal lows…or highs!

Is this all worth it just to not be short?!

A funny poem about wearing high heels, from midlife humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasWhy do women feel the need to walk on tottering heels?
It’s almost like we hate our feet, or that’s the way it feels.
Our body has a bonkers gait
It’s certainly no longer straight,
I’d rather have those shoes with little wheels!

We walk as if we’ve wet ourselves, or like we’ve come by horse
We take our steps so carefully to try to stay on course.
We clench our toes to hold our shoes
For fear one day a shoe we’ll lose,
And sling-backs make the situation worse!

The floor becomes an obstacle, an actual battleground
With smooth and slippy just as bad as rough and harsh, I’ve found.
The worst by far is bumpy cobbles
Sure to cause the teetering wobbles,
Each tiny stone becomes a hellish mound!

And what about the ground that’s soft, let’s talk about the grass
We have to walk on tiptoes; oh the woes of being a lass.
We know that if we lower down
We’ll end up walking like a clown,
Our heels will sink and land us on our ass!

Pavements with their cracks and gaps have simply no respect
They lie in wait to grab our heels, a trap we now expect.
Our heel slips down and with a jolt
Our journey comes straight to a halt,
We wrench it out but it’s completely wrecked!

High heels are meant to make us walk like sexy movie stars
When slinking into nightclubs, pubs and bistros, clubs and bars.
They’re meant to give us swivelling hips
At least until they make us trip,
Then down we go once more upon our arse!

And then there are the silly straps that some shoes seem to sport
Our foot now flaps, our ankle’s loose; there’s simply no support.
There’s nothing there to firmly grip
We all know that our feet will slip,
IS THIS ALL WORTH IT JUST TO NOT BE SHORT?!

 

There once was a…

I clearly love and enjoy writing poems, so now I’m trying my hand at limericks. Here’s my first one (friends have already asked if it’s autobiographical…😳 🤣)

A funny limerick about a hangover, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

Choose Your Knickers Ladies!

A funny poems about women's knickers from humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasLet’s talk about our knickers girls,
I really think we should.
We’ll cover all the different types:
The ugly, bad and good.

We’ll start with silly scraps of lace,
That look more like a doyly.
The sort that’s meant to tantalise,
When taken off so slowly.
You know the ones; they itch like mad –
All frilly bits and bows.
Leave them where they do less harm –
In shops, arranged in rows.

And while we’re in the area,
Of underwear that’s wrong,
The next offender, please step up –
The bloody awful thong!
I feel our bum cheeks need to be
Contained and wrapped up tight.
Not there to see through trousers,
Bumps and lumps and cellulite!

And as for silly G-Strings,
Someone tell me, what the hell?
A bit of string rammed up your bum?
That surely won’t end well!
French knickers, what’s that all about?
They’re meant to look all naughty.
But we all know that actually,
They’re flappy, loose and draughty!

Hipster and bikini briefs –
Now this type makes me frown.
They sit below your stomach,
And your flab then rolls them down!
High cut briefs cause fat to sit,
Below your knicker line.
No wonder that we’ve had to turn
To vodka, gin and wine!

So what about ‘control’ dear friends –
The ‘suck it all in’ knicker.
Designed to make our tum look thin,
Yet other bits look thicker!
These pants are like elastic bands,
They pull it all in tight.
But where does all that fat end up?
It’s not a pretty sight.

Basically the fat is pushed
Above the straining band.
You end up with an extra roll;
Your under rib expands.
Don’t try to eat, don’t try to drink,
Don’t even try to sit.
In fact you’re best not trying to move,
In case your knickers split!

Trying to get them on is the
Olympics at their best.
A medal would be well deserved,
For simply getting dressed.
And don’t begin to ever think,
You’ll get them off no worry.
You need a wee? There’s just no way,
They’ll come off in a hurry.

Well girls, what’s left for us to wear –
Which knickers should we buy?
My favourite is the full cut brief,
It’s classic and here’s why –

The waist band comes up all the way,
Above your flab and fat.
They don’t make claims to change your shape,
Or squash your stomach flat.
They let you breathe; they don’t roll down,
Or cut your bum in two.
They do not itch, or flap around –
They’re solid through and through.

So what’s the style that’s right for you?
Please let me know your views.
It’s your turn girls; I’d love to know,
The knickers that you choose!

Are you a hoarder?!

A funny blog post about being a hoarder, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasThe worst hoarder in our house is my hubby. Everything I want to chuck out, he wants to keep…in the garage…just in case.

Just in case what??

Just in case there’s suddenly a national shortage of biscuit tins with damaged lids, empty dried fruit tubs, chunks of polystyrene, dried up tins of paint, bins full of wood and surplus shelf widgets from Ikea furniture??

If there is ever such a shortage, he will most certainly swing into action and save the day.

Until then – chuck it in the @£$%ing bin!!!

Do you live with a hoarder, or are YOU the hoarder?

My five favourite words…

a funny blog posts about the gym from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

My five favourite words of the day:

GYM IS CLOSED FOR REFURBISHMENT

😆😂😆

No…that’s not me in the picture. If it was, I wouldn’t have to go to the gym in the first place!

And I certainly wouldn’t be jumping around like that – not unless I wanted to pull every muscle in my body, knacker my knees, put my back out, drop my glasses…and bloody wet myself!

STOP SNORING!!

A funny blog post about a husband snoring, from humour blogger Midlife Dramas in PyjamasThe scene – Husband in bed, on his back, snoring after his night out…

Me: Sweetheart, please turn onto your side – you’re snoring.

H: Ok (lifts arm above head, continues to snore)

Me: Err love, please turn onto your side – you’re snoring.

H: Ok (turns head to one side, continues to snore)

Me: Sweetheart…you have to actually move…onto your side.

H: Ok (moves legs, continues to snore)

Me: (coughing loudly) SWEETHEART! PLEASE TURN ONTO YOUR SIDE…YOU’RE SNORING!

H: Ok (fidgets, turns onto his side then flops onto his back. Continues to snore)

Me: OY! TURN. ONTO. YOUR. SIDE. YOU. ARE. SNORING!!

H: Stop waking me up…I was asleep! (Continues to snore)

Me: (pushing him really hard) FECKING TURN ONTO YOUR SIDE – YOU’RE TWATTING SNORING!

H: Woah! There’s no need for that…you only had to ask!