Hang Up Your Hang-Ups – Seriously?!

A funny blog post about tummy fat, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasSaw this advert in a magazine the other day. Apparently I have a hang-up about my stomach; but I’m not to worry! This company has been working hard on developing innovative technology to make me look like Catherine Zeta-Jones in my bathing costume – PHEW!

So, how does this innovative tummy slimming technology work I hear you ask…

Well, here are my suggestions:

1) You drag your swimming costume up your body – tucking your flab in as you go – and an activated voice tells you to take it off again immediately and replace it with a bin bag to completely cover you up

2) The flab is re-distributed. If my stomach flab is sucked in it can only go to one of two places: under my boobs or around my arse. If it joined forces WITH my boobs I’d be over the moon – for the first time in my life I’d actually have a decent pair of boobs! But UNDER my boobs…not so much. If it settled around my arse that wouldn’t be good either. Kim Kardashian might have a humungous arse, but it’s still pert…if mine became humungous it’d just look like a sack of spuds trying to burst out of a string bag

3) The swimming costume is actually made of well disguised industrial metal and is able to successfully contain the population of a small Caribbean island; so dealing with my stomach flab won’t be an issue. Only problem is I’ll not be able to breathe, and will most likely feel sick – plus my ability to drink a shed load of cocktails by the pool will be seriously diminished

4) The swimming costume is magic, and the minute it comes into contact with my stomach several inches instantly disappear

The thing is ladies…I’m just glad to know that innovative technology is being put to such good use!

It’s great to know that our stomach flab is keeping technologists and/or scientists awake at night!

Want your carpet whipped??

A funny blog post about carpet whipping, from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas.So, driving to supermarket today saw a poster advertising ‘Carpet Whipping’. Nearly drove car off the road craning my neck trying to read it! What the hell kind of new deviant fetish is this?! Obviously my mind went into overdrive…

Do you simply stand whipping a carpet? (Sounds too much like Victorian cleaning for my liking.)

Do you stand whipping a carpet while someone else watches? (No way! If I’m cleaning, you’re helping!)

Does someone else stand whipping a carpet while you watch? (Bloody hell! Can we not just get the vacuum out?)

Does someone else stand whipping you with a carpet? (Won’t that hurt?)

Do you smear whipped cream all over a carpet? (God…there’s no carpet cleaner known to man that’ll get that out…)

Are you duct taped to a carpet? (That’ll play havoc with the fibres.)

Are you tied up with a carpet? (Carpet isn’t actually known for its knot tying prowess.)

Are you rolled up in a carpet? (I’d have a claustrophobic panic attack.)

Do you lie down and get walked over like a carpet? (Errr…I don’t think so mate!)

Do you lie down and get vacuumed like a carpet? (Hahaha! Now you’re just being stupid!)

Do you get dressed up in an outfit made of carpet? (I’m not bloody Lady Gaga!)

Do you simply roll around on a carpet? (Mmmm, slightly more feasible.)

There was steam coming out of my ears by this point, and I’d completely missed my turn off…

Naturally I came home and Googled it. Slightly risky activity considering the way my mind had just been working – especially as I’ve absolutely no idea how to erase my browsing history!!

And the answer??

Carpet Whipping: edging bits of carpet to make mats, rugs or runners.

You can only begin to imagine my disappointment…

A funny blog post about carpet whipping, from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas.

Just call me Hyacinth…

A funny blog post from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas, about trying to impress a son's girlfriend.Eldest asked if his girlfriend could join us for the evening meal. We were having chilli – not a meal I’d have chosen; doesn’t really show off my culinary skills. I feel it’s important to let girlfriends know what standards my boys are used to at meal times – and it’s NOT ‘pop, pop, ping’!  Keep on reading!

Acting Course Part 4 – Like a Puppet on a…

Just realised I never shared my last session from the acting course with you. So, for a certain friend who loves hearing all about it – this one’s for you 😉

If you’d like a bit of background, read about the first three sessions here:

Acting Course Part 1 – Hello Lovey!

Acting Course Part 2 – Beach! He said BEACH!

Acting Course Part 3 – Acting at Last!

A funny blog post about going on an acting course, from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

Acting course reached a new low today. Having spent usual first 10 minutes relaxing everything with our eyes shut (except for me; I sit there with one eye open checking how seriously everyone else is taking it), we were told to imagine we were puppets. I’d rather imagine I was Elizabeth Taylor but maybe that’s just me… Keep on reading!

“Want a quote, love?”

A funny blog post about uninvited visitors, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasWas quite happily vacuuming (well, I say ‘happily’ obviously I mean ‘begrudgingly’) the hall when the doorbell rang. Entered porch to see slowly retreating back of a rather large, grubby looking, badly dressed, bald man.

(I’m not large-ist or bald-ist in the slightest – but the grubby looking, badly dressed bit was putting me about somewhat.)  Keep on reading!

Football Fun Day – NOT!

A funny blog post about enduring a football fun day, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasYoungest son’s football team had a ‘Fun Day’ last weekend, so we loyally went along. As predicted the only fun was had by our son; trying to see how much money he could get out of us – for him and his friend to waste spend on ‘fun’.

The tiniest burgers inside the hugest buns were forced down by the four of us,  extortionately expensive (and not that pleasant) cupcakes were purchased by me and a completely ridiculous amount of tombola tickets were bought by the boys. The lure of possibly winning a bottle of shampoo, a tiny bar of chocolate, a crocheted toilet roll cover, a plastic mug with a picture of flowers on it or a toddler’s colouring book was obviously too great.  Keep on reading!