The scene – Husband in bed, on his back, snoring after his night out…
Me: Sweetheart, please turn onto your side – you’re snoring.
H: Ok (lifts arm above head, continues to snore)
Me: Err love, please turn onto your side – you’re snoring.
H: Ok (turns head to one side, continues to snore)
Me: Sweetheart…you have to actually move…onto your side.
H: Ok (moves legs, continues to snore)
Me: (coughing loudly) SWEETHEART! PLEASE TURN ONTO YOUR SIDE…YOU’RE SNORING!
H: Ok (fidgets, turns onto his side then flops onto his back. Continues to snore)
Me: OY! TURN. ONTO. YOUR. SIDE. YOU. ARE. SNORING!!
H: Stop waking me up…I was asleep! (Continues to snore)
Me: (pushing him really hard) FECKING TURN ONTO YOUR SIDE – YOU’RE TWATTING SNORING!
H: Woah! There’s no need for that…you only had to ask!
Spent all day Saturday making the pudding for a dinner party we were going to. Theme was 1970s so I’d decided my pudding was going to be Black Forest something. I just didn’t have a clue what the ‘something’ would be…It took FOUR attempts!
First attempt: individual Black Forest gateau. Individual I tell you! I didn’t rate the sponge; it was too dry and like forcing several cream crackers round your mouth with no access to water
Second attempt: a different Black Forest gateau recipe. Sponge was gorgeous but I didn’t rate the tinned cherries the recipe suggested: too gloopy and squidgy. Fresh cherries would have been too hard to cut into – didn’t want to run risk of them turning into missiles and ricocheting off the walls. Especially as the hosts had just had their dining room decorated.
Third attempt: individual Black Forest Pavlovas. Never made meringue before, and after this attempt never will again! It absolutely would NOT thicken. If I’d done the ‘hold bowl over head’ test I’d have been left standing in the kitchen looking like a cross between a melting Halloween ghost and a heated marshmallow. Poured them onto baking sheet – not a cat in hell’s chance of piping or shaping them as per the instructions. Went in the oven as meringue puddles – came out as meringue pebbles. Teens loved them as they were so gooey and, once they’d cooled, ate all 16. Then begged me to make them ‘wrong’ again
Fourth attempt: individual Black Forest trifles. Not so much ‘made by me’, more ‘assembled’ by me…
Trifle sponges – no I didn’t make my own. When someone’s gone to the trouble of making sponge, cutting it into the perfect size, popping it into a packet and selling it it’d be rude not to buy it.
Fresh cherries – heated and softened in black cherry jam (how clever!) No of course I didn’t make my own jam!
Custard – yes I did make my own custard. Well I say ‘make’…I opened a packet of custard powder and added milk & sugar to it. None of that messing around with vanilla pods and eggs malarkey!
Cream – whipped and mixed with icing sugar and cherry brandy. Yes I did manage to successfully combine these three ingredients myself!
Finished the trifles off with grated chocolate and a single fresh cherry on a stalk. How stylish!
They went down a treat: Nobody gagged on dry sponge, nobody got their teeth glued together with meringue and nobody had to clean the walls.
Now that’s what I call a success!
I go out for a little drink,
And come back home flushed slightly pink.
I spend the next day ill in bed,
With tummy ache and pounding head!
I stagger round – a shade of green,
Being smirked at by the righteous teen.
Pretending that it’s just a bug,
Whilst clinging to my coffee mug.
Will someone kindly tell me please,
Why drinking brings me to my knees?
And why that now I’m 50 plus,
My body has become a wuss?
This midlife nonsense is a curse,
This new intolerance the worst.
It seems that now I’m middle-aged,
My coping gene has disengaged!
Dry hair, hot flushes, bulging waist,
And in my mouth a funny taste.
I need some respite don’t you think?
FOR GOD’S SAKE LET ME HAVE A DRINK!!
Dear Lovely Readers,
I’m taking a break from blogging for a while. Our lovely family cat was killed on the road last week and I’ve completely lost my mojo. I’m still managing to throw memes at Facebook but I’ve de-activated both my Pinterest and Instagram accounts – I can’t bear seeing the photos of him that I’d uploaded there. Twitter hasn’t held my interest for a while as I’m fed up of being followed by bots selling baby clothes, toys, weaning products and cracked nipple cream!! I’m 51 FFS!!
Anyway…look after yourselves, I’ll be back soon, and keep blogging.
The big clean up after Christmas should take me, at most, a morning. How long does it usually take me? A full day.
Why? Because every time I go into a bedroom to clean it, I have to flop onto the bed and have a loll while I’m there. Keep on reading!!
On the first day of midlife my body gave to me – a bumper pack of Tena La-dy
(we should get these free on the NHS you know) Keep on Reading!