Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause…

A funny poem about the menopause from the humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

(WARNING: please excuse the F Bomb, I felt it necessary for artistic reasons!)

Oh menopause, oh menopause
You’re here at last – woohoo!
And all the things I’ve heard about
I see you’ve brought them too!

Put your feet up, make a brew
I’m told you’re here to stay.
You’re going to change my life I guess,
Well that’s what people say.

I’ve heard that there are lots of things
I’m going to get to meet.
So tell me all about it then,
Hang on I’ll take a seat.

Heated flushes
Itchy skin
Running to the loo.
Temper tantrums
Sleepless nights
Not bad, that’s just a few.

Oh sorry did you say there’s more
Beg pardon do go on.
I can’t help thinking that’s enough;
You surely must be done?

Palpitations
Aches and pains
Fluctuating weight.
Feeling anxious
Stiffening joints
Now let me get this straight.

I have to suffer all of this
Because I am a woman?
That’s surely just a horrid joke
‘Cos most of its not human!

Night time sweating
Weakened bones
Falling out with friends.
Low libido
Memory loss
How long until it ends??

The years may be as long as ten?
Or maybe only five?
But why do I deserve all this?
And how will I survive?

Nagging headaches
Always tired
Dryness down below.
Irritated
Murderous thoughts
Not sure I want to know!

Feeling dizzy
Painful boobs
Drying skin and hair.
Bloated tummy
Thinning nails
I’m starting to despair!

Don’t think I really want to change,
And truly not like this.
It’s good you came; but off you go
I’m giving it a miss.

Muscle tension
Burning tongue
Low and tetchy moods.
I’ve heard enough
It sounds like hell
So basically I’m screwed?!

If women have to cope with this
Then what about the men?
Now tell me all the things THEY get –
NOTHING?! – Say again!!

What’s that you say, there is one thing;
They do it to their grave.
They have to tend their facial hair –
THEY HAVE TO FUCKING SHAVE?!

Splashing Around – Part 1

A funny blog post about going swimming from blogger, Midlife Dramas in PyjamasSo…swimming. Hmmmm. There’s nothing I like more than a good 30 lengths to start the day – she lied. I go though, because it’s doing me good. I know that, because I’ve been told it is.

Who’d have thought the simple task of swimming a few lengths could be so fraught. But it is, for several reasons…

The Locker

Scenario 1 – Pile everything in, put token in, firmly shut door, walk towards pool and realise I’ve:

a) still got my glasses on

b) still got my watch on

c) still got my flip-flops on

d) still got all three on

Scenario 2 – Pile everything in, put token in, firmly shut door… realise it’s broken as ‘locked’ door swings gaily open again. Token can’t be retrieved. Do I:

a) nip out to reception in bather, scaring all small children en route

b) try to catch eye of unsuspecting attendant – who’ll invariably ignore the middle-aged woman frantically beckoning, shouting ‘coo-ey’ and waving a purse in his direction Keep on reading!

Please put your hands together for…

A funny blog post about a karaoke night, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasWent out with the girls for a karaoke night last week – sing-song and a meal. Never been to one before but had always wanted to try it. Was nervous about finally doing it but thought, ‘I’m in a choir therefore I must be able to sing: I’m going to give it a go.’ Keep on reading!

What’s your favourite view?

A funny blog post about favourite views, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasSomeone on Twitter asked people to post a picture of their favourite view.

Here’s mine…

Craggy hillsides, a peaceful lake and two beautiful twisted old trees. All illuminated by a breath-taking sunset.

And by that I mean rocky ice cubes, a sea of gin about to cause havoc, and two beautiful bendy new straws. All illuminated by a breath-taking candle in an underground gin bar.

Cheers!

What’s your favourite view?

Hang Up Your Hang-Ups – Seriously?!

A funny blog post about tummy fat, from Midlife Dramas in PyjamasSaw this advert in a magazine the other day. Apparently I have a hang-up about my stomach; but I’m not to worry! This company has been working hard on developing innovative technology to make me look like Catherine Zeta-Jones in my bathing costume – PHEW!  Keep on reading!

Want your carpet whipped??

A funny blog post about carpet whipping, from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas.So, driving to supermarket today saw a poster advertising ‘Carpet Whipping’. Nearly drove car off the road craning my neck trying to read it! What the hell kind of new deviant fetish is this?! Obviously my mind went into overdrive… Keep on reading!

Just call me Hyacinth…

A funny blog post from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas, about trying to impress a son's girlfriend.Eldest asked if his girlfriend could join us for the evening meal. We were having chilli – not a meal I’d have chosen; doesn’t really show off my culinary skills. I feel it’s important to let girlfriends know what standards my boys are used to at meal times – and it’s NOT ‘pop, pop, ping’!  Keep on reading!

Acting Course Part 4 – Like a Puppet on a…

Just realised I never shared my last session from the acting course with you. So, for a certain friend who loves hearing all about it – this one’s for you 😉

If you’d like a bit of background, read about the first three sessions here:

Acting Course Part 1 – Hello Lovey!

Acting Course Part 2 – Beach! He said BEACH!

Acting Course Part 3 – Acting at Last!

A funny blog post about going on an acting course, from Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

Acting course reached a new low today. Having spent usual first 10 minutes relaxing everything with our eyes shut (except for me; I sit there with one eye open checking how seriously everyone else is taking it), we were told to imagine we were puppets. I’d rather imagine I was Elizabeth Taylor but maybe that’s just me… Keep on reading!