Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause…

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A funny poem about the menopause from the humour blogger, Midlife Dramas in Pyjamas

(WARNING: please excuse the F Bomb, I felt it necessary for artistic reasons!)

Oh menopause, oh menopause
You’re here at last – woohoo!
And all the things I’ve heard about
I see you’ve brought them too!

Put your feet up, make a brew
I’m told you’re here to stay.
You’re going to change my life I guess,
Well that’s what people say.

I’ve heard that there are lots of things
I’m going to get to meet.
So tell me all about it then,
Hang on I’ll take a seat.

Heated flushes
Itchy skin
Running to the loo.
Temper tantrums
Sleepless nights
Not bad, that’s just a few.

Oh sorry did you say there’s more
Beg pardon do go on.
I can’t help thinking that’s enough;
You surely must be done?

Palpitations
Aches and pains
Fluctuating weight.
Feeling anxious
Stiffening joints
Now let me get this straight.

I have to suffer all of this
Because I am a woman?
That’s surely just a horrid joke
‘Cos most of its not human!

Night time sweating
Weakened bones
Falling out with friends.
Low libido
Memory loss
How long until it ends??

The years may be as long as ten?
Or maybe only five?
But why do I deserve all this?
And how will I survive?

Nagging headaches
Always tired
Dryness down below.
Irritated
Murderous thoughts
Not sure I want to know!

Feeling dizzy
Painful boobs
Drying skin and hair.
Bloated tummy
Thinning nails
I’m starting to despair!

Don’t think I really want to change,
And truly not like this.
It’s good you came; but off you go
I’m giving it a miss.

Muscle tension
Burning tongue
Low and tetchy moods.
I’ve heard enough
It sounds like hell
So basically I’m screwed?!

If women have to cope with this
Then what about the men?
Now tell me all the things THEY get –
NOTHING?! – Say again!!

What’s that you say, there is one thing;
They do it to their grave.
They have to tend their facial hair –
THEY HAVE TO FUCKING SHAVE?!

 

46 thoughts on “Oh Menopause, Oh Menopause…”

  3. I went to a hot springs over the weekend where all the twenty and thirty somethings paraded around in their fabulous bikinis. Oh Lordy if only they knew what is to come. If only I’d believed the meno stories ahd been more prepared.

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  9. Hahaha! Your list is very complete except did I miss your reference to thinning hair on your head? That’s my latest post menopausal woe. I did give up migraines, though, and PMS which are both blessings. I didn’t have too difficult a time during menopause so hang in there. You will make it through!

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  11. This is great! The poem that is. The message not so great! Haha! We females sure did draw the short straw in many ways but I still reckon we age better than men do! The last school reunion I went to was an eye-opener. Rather be a woman! 😉 😂🙌

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  19. Oh this is brilliant and so true. I’ve been in the peri stage for 5 years now and symptoms have ramped up this last year, hoping it will be over soon!
    I actually hosted a red party last year on International Women’s Day to educate, celebrate and bring some humour to female hormones, with 3 amazing speakers including comedian Jean Kittson who’s written a book about it all, ‘You’re Still Hot to Me’
    Here’s a little promo from the night.

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    • Thanks so much! I’m glad you liked it, and thanks for following my blog. As you enjoyed this poem you might also like ‘Not By the Hair on My Chinny, Chin Chin’ about menopausal hair, ‘Murder on the Dancefloor’ about going clubbing in midlife and ‘Dear Bladder’ which speaks for itself lol!

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