Choose Your Knickers Ladies!

Let’s talk about our knickers girls,
I really think we should.
We’ll cover all the different types:
The ugly, bad and good.

We’ll start with silly scraps of lace,
That look more like a doyly.
The sort that’s meant to tantalise,
When taken off so slowly.
You know the ones; they itch like mad –
All frilly bits and bows.
Leave them where they do less harm –
In shops, arranged in rows.

And while we’re in the area,
Of underwear that’s wrong,
The next offender, please step up –
The bloody awful thong!
I feel our bum cheeks need to be
Contained and wrapped up tight.
Not there to see through trousers,
Bumps and lumps and cellulite!

And as for silly G-Strings,
Someone tell me, what the hell?
A bit of string rammed up your bum?
That surely won’t end well!
French knickers, what’s that all about?
They’re meant to look all naughty.
But we all know that actually,
They’re flappy, loose and draughty!

Hipster and bikini briefs –
Now this type makes me frown.
They sit below your stomach,
And your flab then rolls them down!
High cut briefs cause fat to sit,
Below your knicker line.
No wonder that we’ve had to turn
To vodka, gin and wine!

So what about ‘control’ dear friends –
The ‘suck it all in’ knicker.
Designed to make our tum look thin,
Yet other bits look thicker!
These pants are like elastic bands,
They pull it all in tight.
But where does all that fat end up?
It’s not a pretty sight.

Basically the fat is pushed
Above the straining band.
You end up with an extra roll;
Your under rib expands.
Don’t try to eat, don’t try to drink,
Don’t even try to sit.
In fact you’re best not trying to move,
In case your knickers split!

Trying to get them on is the
Olympics at their best.
A medal would be well deserved,
For simply getting dressed.
And don’t begin to ever think,
You’ll get them off no worry.
You need a wee? There’s just no way,
They’ll come off in a hurry.

Well girls, what’s left for us to wear –
Which knickers should we buy?
My favourite is the full cut brief,
It’s classic and here’s why –

The waist band comes up all the way,
Above your flab and fat.
They don’t make claims to change your shape,
Or squash your stomach flat.
They let you breathe; they don’t roll down,
Or cut your bum in two.
They do not itch, or flap around –
They’re solid through and through.

So what’s the style that’s right for you?
Please let me know your views.
It’s your turn girls; I’d love to know,
The knickers that you choose!